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Wednesday, December 28, 2005



My wintertime blues extended through Christmas. I can trace several reasons why i've gotten into something of a funk, but, as usual, just having some idea of the reasons hasn't been much help in getting out of it, since so many of them are out of my control.
For instance, there are family relationships. My relationships with my family tend to be full of broken glass and minefields once I get off the few safe subjects. There is the fact that my relationships with other people are largely difficult and unsatisfying. That's a broad generalization, but I don't know that it would help to be more specific: is this an observation, or a complaint?
I saw a letter to "Dear Abby" this morning that seems relevant. A wife wrote in saying that her husband was continually putting himself down, and it was wearing on her and their relationship. She seggested that he might have been subjected to abuse in the past, so that even if he wasn't getting it now, he would generate it himself.
I could speculate on how difficult it is for any of us to have a true and honest opinion of ourselves, but don't want to go there just now.
More than one person has been generous to me this season. I've been given a sweater (Not that I really needed another one), a half dozen pair of socks (which I definitely did, some candy (nice, but maybe not so good for me), a portable CD player (long on my "hice to have, but not needed" list), a pair of boots (very nice, if I ever want to go on another cross-country hike, but that's not likely; but maybe when it warms up I can do some rambling locally), a virtual gift certificate to Walmart,com (That can be used for a variety of things and shows some interest, although it doesn't show a great deal of insight into what my needs or wants are.) If any of the givers read this blog, my thanks if I haven't offered it. There's not much physical I have to give, and of the intangibles, I don't know what I have that people need.
A sense of being wanted, needed, welcome? It's not something you can get in a store. It's not something I know how to give. As the wife of the self-critical husband is learning, sometimes human wants are a bottomless pit. No matter what your good intentions, you can never give enough of what doesn't satisfy.
I also found a new role-playing-game, USGOVSIM, although that hasn't been as interesting as I would like, and has actually contributed to the funk. I care very much about government and have some strong opinions about part of it, but this simulates the realities of partisan politics a little too well. There is an element of dictatorial high-hendedness in both the players and the administration that punches one of my buttons rather hard, and some of what I consider my important ideas are being ignored. But, for now, it suits some of my purposes, as long as I don't get too involved.
I have some of my own ideas about simulation-type games, but not the technical expertise to put them into action. There is too much that I don't know, and this starts to feed into my knowledge base, which I've also been neglecting lately.
But that's another subject.

And a gift card can also mean - you never write or call, so I don't know what you need, but here's something to let you know you're being thought of. Remind me to send something just as nice as you sent next year, ok?
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