From the Ground

Farewell

2008-02-02T11:22:00.000-08:00

Since it's been several months since I posted to this blog, I thought I might as well make it official that it's dead. I began this with my trip across the country, but that chapter of my life has long since closed and I'm in a new one. However, I haven't given up blogging: In fact, I'm running two other blogs:
Independent Learning is where I describe work on my knowledge base and any other educational topics.
Confutus Says is where I talk about religion, politics, current events, space, science fiction, and other stuff.
Thanks to any of my readers and all who've posted comments.

2007-08-06T14:58:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I seem to have become obsessed with the War Story I mentioned a couple of weeks ago. To do a proper writeup with sources would involve more research than I want to devote the time for, so I'm just going to mention it.

I've been keeping a half-eye on other news. The Counter-insurgency tactics associated with "The Surge" seem to be working, although at the current rates of progress, it may take some time before they are fully successful. Although some commentators are concerned about the political stability of Iraq, there are still so many armed factions disguising themselves among and terrorizing the populace that it is nearly impossible for a democratic government to work. The US has taken the role of a more or less neutral outside party trying to sweep out the violent elements and give those more responsible parties a chance to discuss their various issues and come to an agreement. At the moment, the tactics that go along with this strategy appear to be working, which is causing a problem for the dedicated leave-Iraq-now crowd.

Barak Obama has destroyed himself as a serious candidate for President. He has promised to sit down and meet with leaders of our most determined enemies, while threatening to bomb and invade an ally unless it cooperates with us, in an attempt to go after Osama bin Ladin. All this at the same time his party is calling for withdrawal from Iraq. He's managed to make himself look like he's trying to be a saint on one hand, a bully on the other, and really is dangerously ignorant or naive on both. But presidential campaigns have substantial inertia: I don't think he's going to give it up until he's actually defeated at the polls.

Men at work

2007-07-24T18:01:00.000-07:00

Ed Morrissey at "Captain's Quarters" pointed to this article in the Washington Post about Outsourcing the Picket Line"
To anyone even vaguely familiar with the American labor movement and and its history and rhetoric, this has to be supremely ironic.

War stories

2007-07-23T18:52:00.000-07:00

I have to wonder what Senator Reid is up to. Twice in the past month, on the Immigration Reform bill, and then on the recent Iraq withdrawal bill, he's tried to take a thin majority and ram it through the opposition.
On the bill which would have demanded a US withdrawal from Iraq beginning in four months, he had a majority, which would normally be enough to pass a bill. But he also might have expected a Republican filibuster. He might then have also expected President Bush to veto the measure, which would then require an even bigger majority to override. That might have suggested that trying to ram a bill through wouldn't work. It leaves me wondering whether he is really that blind to political realities, or whether he has a different kind of game in mind.
And all this comes at a time when news coming out of Iraq (although that's mixed and contradictory enough) indicates to be that the "surge" and the counterinsurgent strategy that has gone along with it appears to be working.
But it appears that in the US Congress, the important war is the one between the Republican party and the Democratic party. The war in Iraq is only important to the degree that it can serve partisan purposes.

The New Republic recently published an article entitled "Shock Troops" describing three incidents which took place in Iraq, one of an incident were a facially disfigured female contractor was hazed by soldiers, one where a mass grave of children were uncovered and some grisly mockery took place, and one where the driver of an armored vehicle was using it to run over dogs. Almost immediately, current and former military personnel began denouncing it as fiction, and describing in detail what was wrong with it. Now, while I have little doubt that there are some soldiers who would do these kinds of things if they could get away with it, and some who have done things nearly as bad. Juvenile immaturity is not confined to the military...I've seen LDS missionaries do some really stupid things which would look just as bad. But the question is whether these incidents actually took place as described, or were fabricated or embellished.
As someone said, if the story is true, the New Republic gets away with a bad odor, but some soldier is in serious trouble. If it's false, the opposite's the case. The public expects news publications to be able to distinguish fact from fiction. Not that there's anything wrong with writing fiction. Provided you label it as fiction, people are willing to pay for stories that no sane person ought to believe in their entirety. (Ask J.K. Rowling) . But to repeatedly publish fiction and call it fact, or to leave it up to the reader to decide means that before long, no one will believe or trust anything you say, true or false.

And that leads into another question that's been on my mind. I've seen the question of bias often comes up, in writing of history, and journalism. Given that it's almost impossible to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and that every writer selects from the facts available those what seem most important, what is the difference between a truthful, accurate history or news story, and pure partisan polemics?

Atheism

2007-07-16T14:28:00.000-07:00

At one time I had intentions to make this blog pretty much daily, but I have another blog going, a web site that I'm growing, and now an on-line forum to manage, so my time is a bit split.
On top of that, I was getting a bit disgusted with current events. Reid, Pelosi, and almost the entire Democratic party are still apparently convinced that in Iraq, we (the US) are the real enemy and should get out as fast as we can and leave the Iraqis to clean up, whether they can hold off their neighbors while their government is still so wobbly or not. Reid refused to answer what he thought would happen to the Iraqis once our troops left, beyond claiming that we weren't wanted. A leader of one of the insurgent groups that was fighting us a couple of years ago has decided that, unwelcome foreign infidels though we may be, al-Qaeda is worse. His forces have been willing to cooperate in helping clean al-Qaeda out before we go. Fair enough, I'd say. I don't suppose that the "we are evil" crowd in our government...or is that just the Bush Administration and everyone who supports it is evil? is paying any attention to the Iranian arms smugglers our soldiers have been uncovering.
One of the reason's there's not much progress on the political front in Iraq is that al-Quaeda or some other unrelated group that calls itself al-Qaeda, swears allegiance to Osama bin Ladin, and acts like al-Qaeda, has been doing its utmost (can't call it best) to stir unrest, create as much havoc, and kill as many Americans and their collaborators as possible. In the meantime, the leader of Iraq's principal opposition party, who runs his own private army, has been running back and forth between Iraq and Iran. Anyone who is sure his motives are purely patriotic might also believe me if I claimed I had some beachfront property in Arizona for sale.
This is the same Iran which is so busy building nuclear power plants to make nuclear weapons to confront the great Satan (That's the US, in case anyone has forgotten, and the Iranians are a lot closer to building nuclear weapons than the late unlamented Saddam Hussein ever was) that they have neglected to build oil refineries and in spite of sitting on top of vast oil fields, have to import gasoline and had to put down riots over a shortage. It would almost be comical if it weren't so deadly.

But this is all beside the point of what I intended to talk about. There is a Wall Street Journal editorial that mentions the big money some authors of atheist books have been raking in, as well as the weakness of their arguments. I'm afraid that it won't be too many more years before those who are persuaded by their argument that anyone who believes in God is a bloodthirsty terrorist start taking up arms to "Defend their rights", instead of just hiring the ACLU to do it. I'm also seeing signs of a somewhat of a curious alliance of liberal Democrats with Muslim groups. Is it perhaps, that Christianity is seen as so perniciously oppressive that Islam (or any other alternative to Christianity) has to be deliberately favored, just as accused criminals, minorities, feminists, and more recently, homosexuals have been?

I'm also a bit saddened by comments on the debate on Beliefnet.com between Orson Scott Card and Dr. Albert Mohler. From the beginning, this debate has generated more heat than light. Although I contributed a couple of posts, which quickly sank into the great swamp, I decided that anything else I could say had already been said, didn't need to be said, or wouldn't be heard.
Such evangelicals as Mohler endeavor to create a wide and mostly artificial gulf between their own doctrine and that of the Mormons, rather than acknowledging that their similarities are greater than their differences. But they're facing the wrong enemy. Widespread atheism and hostility to all Biblical tradition is the enemy of both evangelical and Latter-Day Saint, and Latter day Saints, with a claim to modern revelation that reaffirms the truth of the Bible have a better shield against atheist arguments.
This puts these evangelicals in something of the position of fighting their best allies across a deep gulf that they themselves have dug while they ignore the enemy at their unprotected back. Besides irritation that many of those those who claim expertise on Mormon belief have evidently never read the Book of Mormon at all, I'm mostly sorry for them. Fortunately, there are at least some evangelicals who recognize that if one says he believes in Christ and acts as if he believed it, he must be some sort of Christian. We can get along with those a lot more easily than we can with those who call us liars and hypocrites.

Islam

2007-07-09T09:40:00.000-07:00

I was going to write something more or less patriotic for the 4th of July, but nothing quite sounded right, and I've been swept up in other things.

My impression of Islam has generally been more favorable than not, but lately it's been taking a beating. Before I express any solid opinions about it, I need do what I would encourage critics of Mormonism to do...Read the book; don't rely on someone else's opinion. I have been following a series, Blogging the Koran, but haven't got around to reading it for myself.
I can't believe that all Muslims are potential terrorists; many of them have to be living good lives. Yet, there are others who by emphasising different passages in the same book find themselves justifying terror. And then I read things like this report from WorldNetDaily about some of the more radical preaching of some Muslims and I wonder.
There is commentary on this same blog that compares Joseph Smith to Mohammed, apparently written by people who have never actually read the Book of Mormon or anything else Joseph Smith wrote. There was an earlier series, on Blogging the Bible, written by a Jew who had never actually read it (The Old Testament, that is). I wonder about the possibility of Blogging the Book of Mormon. Comments, anyone?

Left Behind

2007-07-02T17:24:00.000-07:00

I admit it. I've always been suspicious of the No Child Left Behind Act. Although I've been more or less avoiding schools like the plague for years (except for the libraries, nearly a second home) , I do have an interest in education. The problem is that although I love learning, I've come to hate school, and although I enjoy teaching, I prefer it when the people I am teaching want to learn. I have no interest in packing 25 or more students all the same age into a classroom and try to teach them all the same thing at the same time, regardless of whether they are prepared or whether they have any interest in the subject. My interest in education has taken a different turn entirely. With the insistence from all quarters on having a Bachelor's degree before I am allowed to teach and the suspicion I faced last time I dared to poke my amateur nose into the sheltered cloisters of secondary education, I'm not sure that I would be even allowed to try. So, I watch the education debate from the sidelines. It's hard to predict what the next coming political debate is going to be, but if the NCLBA is coming up a renewal it will be something I want to watch this time around.

The right to be wrong

2007-07-01T23:05:00.000-07:00

The more I read debates and arguments, political, religions, artistic, and so forth, the more I find that some people are absolutely sure of themselves and tend to defend their opinions to the bitter end. Others quietly reverse themselves, hoping no one will notice and without ever admitting that they were mistaken in the first place.

The fact is that we are all born ignorant, and each of us has experiences that shape our opinions. In the course of time, we will all of us acquire beliefs that are incorrect, foolish, and dead wrong, thought we may be entirely confident that we are right.

I've said it elsewhere, so I'll repeat it here. I've been wrong before, and I will almost certainly be wrong again. I'm probably just as certainly wrong now in some things and just don't know it yet. Being wrong is not the same as being evil. At the same time, I respect the right of other people to be mistaken. It happens to the best of us. I do not feel obligated to cram my truth down someone else's unwilling throat.

The humility, the flexibility, to admit that we are ignorant and have been mistaken is necessary for to real learning to occur, and so is the willingness to be persuaded by facts or reason.

This doesn't mean that I change my mind every time someone disagrees with me. I've also found the ability to say "I could be wrong, but I don't think I am, and here is why", to be very useful. I can usually find multiple reasons to belief things I am reasonably certain about. There are certain fundamental I've weighed carefully. I've already heard most of the arguments and found them flawed. But in other things, I've found that the ability to weigh apparently contradictory evidence and form tentative opinions that might be changed on the basis of more evidence to be useful as well.

So, while I don't like to found out I have been mistaken, I've often found it useful to both claim and to grant the right to be wrong.

2007-06-30T19:54:00.000-07:00

Still more on immigration. US Republican party General Chairman Senator Mel Martinez reportedly

lambasted Democrats and Republicans who helped kill an immigration
bill in the Senate and challenged them to come up with a solution beyond
"just build a fence along the border."
"The voices of negativity now have a responsibility to come up with an answer. ... How will you fix the situation to make peoples' lives better? How will you continue to grow the economy? How will we bring people out of the shadows for our national security and for the sake of being a country that is just?" he demanded.

Martinez was one of the architects of the failed immigration bill. There is a movement to attempt his recall, but there is no provision in either the Constitution or any other law for the recall of Senators. A more proper course of action would be wait until the next election, and on the meantime remove him from leadership of the Republican Party. By that time, the immediate outrage should have faded, and the decision could be made on his overall merits. When he ran for office, he said:

Our immigration policy, however, must first and foremost ensure the
security of our great nation and its citizens. Especially during these
treacherous times, our focus must be on preventing those who would harm us from
entering our country and in providing the resources our border agents need in
order to accomplish this. I oppose amnesty for illegal aliens. I support a plan
that matches workers with needy employers without providing a path to
citizenship. Immigration to this country must always be done through legal
means.

Now, however, he has apparently changed his mind, and considers the 3/4 of the Senators in his own party plus the thousands of constituents who overloaded the Senate phone lines opposing the bill as "voices of negativity". Instead of selling the bill to his colleagues, according to Senator Reid he cooperated in an attempt to ram the bill through without giving other Senators a chance to properly examine it.

An article on the Daily Kos suggested:

The bill had plenty of built-in reasons to wish for its failure, including
increasing demands for ugly impractical barriers along the border, the
institution of a second-class citizenry, and little to nothing to address the
underlying problems. Ironically, the bill's defeat was ensured by
Republicans who were convinced that none of these measures were tough enough.
They (as suggested by host Michael Feldman on the radio show Whatd'ya
Know), want to build a Great Wall of Mexico, looked over by the Colossus of
Dobbs.

If the Democratic Party doesn't continue to put forward solutions -- say a package that includes higher rates of immigrations, sharply higher quotas for Central America, a clear path to citizenship, and enforcement that focuses on industries flaunting the current law -- this issue may fade into the background of a political season that's bound to be, once again, dominated by concerns over Iraq.

Both Martinez and the Democratic left are caricaturing the opposition to the immigration bill. While there are some opponents of the bill who are indeed racist, there are others who believe that a fence is necessary but not sufficient. There are other reasons to oppose the bill as it was proposed. Many citizens remember the 1986 "one time" amnesty program enacted under Ronald Reagan, and have seen that it did not solve the illegal immigration problem. Many have observed that the Border Patrol is undermanned, undermanned, and unsupported; legal immigrants have a hard time getting their paperwork through; and laws prohibiting the hiring of illegal immigrants are poorly enforced. There is a widespread impression that a border fence already approved and funded by Congress is not being built As a result, they do not trust that a shiny new government program to give the illegal immigrants a fast track to citizenship will be either fair or workable. Furthermore, as opponents struggled against the bill, there were claims circulating that the votes of some proponents were essentially bought and paid for by businessmen who benefit from illegal immigrant labor. The effort to identify them and who their sources were has apparently (and unfortunately) been dropped.

I also ought to mention, concerning the war in Iraq, for anyone who remembers hearing of "Tokyo Rose" from World War II, that US Soldiers fighting in Iraq are hearing the same things ... from our own media.

Israel

2007-06-29T16:49:00.000-07:00

I mentioned I've been reading some of the most popular blogs. A fair amount of what I has been coming from them. As I get more familiar with them, I hope to make more comments. Michelle Malkin is one that I follow; She's also behind Hot Air Glenn Reynolds at Instapundit is another one. I can barely stomach the liberal Daily Kos.

I had in mind commenting on my views on Israel. The Book of Mormon speaks of the restoration of the Jews to their ancestral home in several places. The resurrected Christ is quoted as saying,

And I will remember the covenant which I have made with my people;
and I have covenanted with them that I would gather them together in mine own due time, that I would give unto them again the land of their fathers for their inheritance, which is the land of Jerusalem, which is the promised land unto them forever, saith the Father. (3 Nephi 20: 29)

This is followed by other teachings in Latter-Day Saint scripture, for instance a Q&A on the Book of Revelation:

15 Q. What is to be understood by the two witnesses, in
the eleventh chapter of Revelation? A. They are two prophets that are
to be raised up to the Jewish nation in the last days, at the time of the
restoration, and to prophesy to the Jews after they are gathered and have built
the city of Jerusalem in the land of their fathers. (D&C 77:15)

Many others on the same theme could be cited. As a matter of fundamental religious belief, then, I view the establishment of Israel as a homeland for the Jews as approved by God and a fulfillment of prophecy, although I don't expect that to be a persuasive argument for those who don't share my beliefs. A more general argument would be that blanket irrational hatred of other people is wrong, whether those other people are Hutus and Tutsis, illegal immigrants to the US from Mexico, conservative bloggers, liberal Democrats, Muslims in gneral, Palestinians, or Israelis. More particularly, I can't believe those whose hatred is so extreme that they send bombs to kill women and children, or even defend or excuse those who do, have the right of any argument.

More immigration

2007-06-28T17:51:00.000-07:00

I do not trust that Senate Immigration Bill that was just defeated was ever going to perform as advertised, and some of its provisions looked like real stinkers. As it is, we are not enforcing the laws we have, or are only enforcing them selectively, (a situation ripe for abuse). If the laws we have aren't working, there has to be a better approach than creating a new playground for lawyers.

I've seen a report that Senator Ted Kennedy likened immigration enforcement to "Gestapo tactics". Well, he might not have said it, I haven't been able to confirm it, but Geraldo certainly did. Really! Does anyone take this seriously? Where are the mass arrests of participants in demonstrations? The courts that always deport the accused? The concentration camps? The executions?

Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff has also apparently complained about having to enforce immigration law. He says "when I have agents out hunting illegal lettuce pickers, waiters and housekeepers, they're not chasing drug dealers, criminals and terrorists", and says that lettuce and fruit are not getting picked because he has to enforce the law.

At first, I was pretty warm about this, but as I started looking up the sources, it turns out there's more to this than meets the eye. For one, he says although he doesn't like the laws, he's committed to trying to enforce them anyway.

For another, the kind of enforement he is doing involves hunting down people who have already arrived here and settled, sometimes years after they arrived and established households. To arrest and deport these people looks like piling injustice on top of negligence. I would support a path to citizenship, for those who haven't broken any other laws, though not ahead of those who have obeyed the law. There ought to be prevention before they settle rather than punishment afterward. Although I don't really like the idea of fencing the border...and it's not a complete solution, because fences, real or virtual, can be climbed over, cut through, and burrowed under, I don't see any other way around it. If the US government doesn't want groups such as the Minuteman Project trying to do the Border Patrol's job, they should give the Border Patrol enough men to do it themselves.

There's also a difficulty with enforcing the IRCA That's the law that requires those I-9 forms that every new hire is supposed to fill out. It's supposed to turn farms, hotels, garment factories, and restaurants (as well as all other employers) into INS...excuse me, that's ICE now... agents as well as tax collectors. But of course enforcement isn't a priority. The IRS and SSA bring in revenue. The ICE doesn't.

Many of these immigrants would happily enter legally, but legal immigration is a bureaucratic nightmare that can take years to navigate. The border is so porous that it's easier to just slide across it. What an industrious, reasonably responsible and mostly harmless person can do, drug-dealers, criminals, and terrorists can do even more easily. Then, they just have to hide in the crowd.

Chertoff also said: "if you start paying $1,000 an hour, I'm out there. But there's not going to be a lot of lettuce in the store because I don't intend to buy lettuce at $10,000 a head. So, I mean, these are the laws of economics and the reality",

Neither economics nor real: this is purest hyperbole. No one is going to pay that a hundredth that much, and if they did, it wouldn't cost ten times the hourly rate per head. But perhaps inadvertently, he does point to why Americans aren't thrilled about these kinds of jobs. Agricultural workers and waiters/waitresses are exceptions to the minimum wage laws, they and the housekeepers aren't paid benefits, and none of these kinds of jobs offer much scope for using even a high school education. The conditions documented in "Harvest of Shame" have improved, but not all that much.
I'm not at all impressed by rhetoric that wanting to secure America's borders is racist, because this argument could be just as well be used as a smokescreen for those who want to continue to exploit the underclass.

I don't see any way around the economic pull. As long as wages and working conditions in the United States are better than they are in Mexico, there will be Mexicans wanting to come here, legally or not. Ditto for any other country. About all we can do we can do is channel the flow, by making it harder to enter the US illegally and easier to do legally.

The more I look, the more I think it's not really fair to pick on Chertoff. He didn't make the ineffective and burdensome laws he's saddled with trying to enforce, and he's not the one who's responsible if Immigration and Citizenship Enforcement doesn't get the funding it needs. For both of these, look to Congress.

Immigration debate

2007-06-27T16:34:00.000-07:00

I'm late to the debate on immigration, but I read that US Majority Leader Harry Reid, and others, with the consent and cooperation of the Minority leader Mitch McConnell and others, are trying to ram a comprehensive immigration reform bill through the Senate, with little opportunity for debate, and with a list of amendments that are being rewritten on the fly that Senators are barely being given a chance to read, let alone debate. Here are 350+ pages of mind numbing legalese, I'll have the latest version for you in an hour, vote yes or no 15 minutes later. I understand that normally, this is not how things are done.

Although I don't claim any special expertise in either legislation or immigration policy and haven't studied the bill, I understand that most Senators haven't been given a chance to do so, either. I wonder about the tactics that are being used. Why is the Senate leadership trying to ram this through, especially when Senators are being inundated with phone calls opposing the bill? What's the tearing rush? I detect a whiff of something rotten.

Righteous warfare

2007-06-27T13:26:00.000-07:00

First of all, I didn't connect yesterday's post to the title. Although there are pacifists who argue that there is no such thing, and others who claim that war has its own unique set of ethics and normal rules don't apply, I disagree with both.
The Book of Mormon devotes 20 chapters (Alma 43-63) to the military career of a commander named Moroni, who is presented as the premier example of the righteous warrior. (This ought to be required reading in Just War Theory ) It is recounted that Moroni became angry when faced a major act of treason, tore his coat, and the from it fashioned a flag which he called "Title of Liberty". It had the words:

In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our
wives, and our children.

(Alma 46:12)

written on it as his slogan. He made it the symbol of his cause, which became the defense of his people in a major war.

When the Iranian Revolution took place in 1979, the US Embassy was stormed and ,most of the occupants held hostage for some 10 months. Americans were shocked to hear their country described as "The Great Satan". This sparked a violent movement many Islamic nations, and numerous revolutionary groups, emboldened by the success of this movement, took to the streets of many nations. Some of these adopted terrorist methods, notably al-Qaeda.
At the time the US invaded Afghanistan shortly after 9-11-01 to hunt down al-Qaeda, I didn't have a strong opinion, but favored it rather than not. When the US invaded Iraq, I was dubious about it, but again more favored it than not.

After a couple of years of seeing revisionist propaganda which portrays President Bush instead of al-Qaeda as the enemy, after learning our forces have become a magnet for al-Qaeda, that it is focusing on our army there more than plots here, that al-Qaeda has been fomenting the sectarian violence in Iraq, and most recently that it practices such sadistic, brutal rule in areas where it had control, that the Iraqis are beginning to see al-Qaeda and not the American troops as their major enemy, it appears that we are actually winning!

To pull out and abandon now, would convincing all our enemies, especially al-Qaeda, that Americans are indeed spineless with no stomach for a long, difficult war. It would break the promise that we were going to help rebuild the country after freeing Iraqis from a brutal dictator. It would convince our allies that America is not to be trusted. It would give Iran, Syria, and Turkey the opportunity to divide Iraq among themselves. Finally, it would be an an example of treacherous politicians snatching defeat from the jaws of victory that their soldiers had won. If the military cannot trust Congress and the people to support them, why should anyone risk his life in the belief that America is worth defending?

Title of Liberty

2007-06-26T21:20:00.000-07:00

Recently, I have been visiting visiting and reading a number of other blogs, starting with those listed on The Truth Laid Bear Ecosystem. The more I read, the more concerned and even angrier I get, and the more I feel a need to speak out and raise my own voice on issues facing the United States and the world in general.

Part of it, I suppose, was that I saw that the leader of Regimental Combat Team 6 fighting in Fallujah, Iraq, was asking for e-mails of support, because his Marines seen the same media reports we here in the US do, and aren't certain that the American public knows what is going on or is supporting them. My first thought was shame, because here these men are, fighting, bleeding, and some of them dying, to fight an enemy that would take our freedoms if they could, and I sit at home in relative comfort, and do nothing.
I was reminded of a passage in the Book of Mormon, where a captain wrote to his government complaining of the lack of support for his men, saying

"Can you think to sit upon your thrones in a state of thoughtless stupor, while your enemies are spreading the work of death around you? (Alma 60:7)

In this particular case, the fault was that a treasonous cabal had overthrown the legitimate government and was conspiring with the enemy. Although the war described in the Book of Mormon was comparatively much larger in scale and the threats both internal and external were far more serious, I began to see a chilling similarity.
I was never in good enough physical shape to be fit for the military, I would have had a hard time with the discipline, and now I'm too old anyway. But the part of the war going on in this country, the battle of words and ideas...that one I can join.

So, which side am I on? I'm on the side of those who believe in God, families, faith, peace, freedom, truth, honor, and justice.

The enemy is those who worship the unholy trinity of money, sex, and power with secrecy, lies, theft, and murder, and their sympathisers, sycophants, and enablers. There are many of them. Just to name a couple of names, I'll start with al-Qaeda and Hamas, and work from there.

Time out

2007-03-21T20:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated this blog since December, which probably means that I'm not likely to be continuing it any time soon. I had surgery at the Cleveland Clinic on March 6. It was a Myectomy as was planned. It seems to have been sucessful and I am back at home in Morgantown, gradually recovering, and in hopes of returning to a more active life. That's all for now.

Hospital

2006-12-16T12:01:00.000-08:00

For a while lately, my heart has been giving me problems when I lie down to sleep. I can usually relieve it by sitting up. The night before last, sitting up didn't help. I kept hurting for an hour or so. So, I did like one of the cardiologists I've seen had recommended and called emergency, and got an ambulance ride to the hospital.
In emergeny, I had a nice visit with one of the doctors. In the process of taking my medical history, she learned that I had been in South America and was very interested in hearing that I had served an LDS mission there. We talked a little bit about opportunities to serve in different countries. She is from Mexico, of partly Spanish and Mayan indian ancestry, and part Norwegian, and seemed very pleased that I could speak Spanish with her.
After testing my heart enzymes, doing another echocardiogram, watching my blood pressure bounce back up after a medication that was supposed to lower it but semed rather to bring back chest pain, and threatening a stress test and a procedure called a catheterization. Then it was decided they didn't need to do either one..they already knew enough. It seems they decided it wasn't a heart attack, just a further development of the same condition we already know about, which was about what I had suspected. There didn't seem to be anything more that the doctors could do that they hadn't already done, they did let me go after less than a day.
However, the cardiologists did decide that my new echocardiogram looked worse than the one that was done three months ago, and that my condition was going to keep deteriorating rather than improving. So, the best thing to do was to expedite the surgery that they'v discussed with me. They put their heads together and are going to send me to a center in Cleveland. I'm told that they referred a patient with a condition similar to mine to that center, and the results were very good.
In the meantime, they prescribed a new medication for my blood pressure on top of what I've been taking (along with about four types that I shouldn't take) and a close follow-up with my regular cardiologist and family physician.
The patient in the bed next to mine had diabetes and kidney problems...it seems that his condition was peritonitis, apparently because an infection had settled into a catheter that was being used for dialysis.
My last nurse was rather chattier than usual and was concerned with my "good cholesterol" level being below normal and wanted to recommend an exercise program, but when I told her about the symptoms of my heart condition, she backed off and decided to let the doctors handle it.
I don't think they're going to bustle me off to Cleveland before either Christmas or New Year's ... These things seem to take at least a couple of weeks to arrange. But the process does seem to be moving again.

Asperger's again

2006-12-14T06:51:00.000-08:00

Asperger's Syndrome is related to autism, and I was referred to a recent issue of one of the major newsmagazines that discusses Auttsm. I also found, while doing work on my knowledge base, that 2006 has been designated as International Asperger's year. I followed the linke from Wikipedia on the subject.

I've noticed that some of the symptoms described do seem to apply to me.
It's typoical of Asperger's Syndrome for a person affected to be very literal in their thought processes. I've noticed that I have just such a tendency. I kave always had trouble recogniing when people are "just kidding". I also have a tendency to overlook the emotional content of what is being said to me and focus on the literal meaning, and I tend to focus on the literal meaning of what I say. I seem to have difficulty expresssing my feelings. It's not impossible, it's just hard.
Miscommunication is such a common problem that I've xome to expect it. While I seem to express myself reasonably well in writing, ordinary conversation is another matter. My own ability to communicate deteriorates badly when I'm under emotional stress. I have a tendency to either withdraw or explode.
Another trait typical of of Asperger's is a tandency to focus intensely on one or a ew narrow interests. With me, it's one or two at a time. It's very difficult to be balanced. I either overdo something, or underdo it. I have difficulty with both pulling myself away from one of those interests, and focusing on things that aren't onoe of those current interests.
The difficulties I have had in dealing with people, especially with family members, have been frequently atrributed to either ill will, or character flaws. I'm not sure it's either one. I certainly make no claim to moral pefection, but those who ae most severe with my various shortcomings usually fall rather short of angelic themselves.

Back again

2006-12-12T13:52:00.000-08:00

Since mid September, I've been in a mental and physical slump. Although I've more or less continued my other activities, I haven't been blogging.

For one, the cardiac surgery I was looking at probably isn't going to happen anytime soon. The surgeon I was referred to declined to operate, and indicated that given certain details of my condition, the risks and complications would probably outweigh the benefits. He regards my condition as non-life threatening. That's the latest word on my phuscal health.
The relationship with the Significant Other I mentioned earlier has been emotionally stressfu;. By more or less mutual agreement, it's changed to a more distant friendship without the romantic involvement.
I've also done a physical move, to a ground floor apartment in the same complex.
For a time I was also heavily involved in some role-playing and computer games. That's been tapering off a little. I also resumed attempts to publicize my three valued logic, but current interes interest in it seems no greater than it has ever been. I've resumed active work on my Knowledge Base. Rather than describe updates to it here, I'm including these on my other blog (Independent Learning). My opinion on the holidays is more or less unchanged from last year, but I hope my social situation improves a bit.

Better

2006-09-19T16:19:00.000-07:00

I published a new set of updates to my knowledge base, one that I've been working on for the past couple of weeks. I had revised my approach to it and hope the current one works better.
I've had trouble sleeping and have been feeling tired and worn down, but yesterday I was prodded to do a little housecleaning and felt better for it. I hope to get a little more of that done tonight.

Another entry

2006-09-18T17:51:00.000-07:00

I'm still having trouble dealing with all the physical and emotional stress I've been going through. It's eased up a little, but life is still difficult. The one thing that seems to be going reasonably well is my knowledge base.

Up and down

2006-09-07T15:44:00.000-07:00

Has it been almost two weeks since I posted last? I got my hard drive defragmented, but I've been facing one hard knock after another. For one, the ORS in Utah gets to take more than half of my Disability benefits for back child support, which tightens the financial pinch I was already feeling. I did get the temporary partial denture, (I have teeth now), but the rest of the work I need is going to cost more than I can afford.
Because my shortness of breath and chest discomfort have been increasing on increasingly lighter exertion (e.g. this morning, just standing in the shower), I scheduled an early appointment with my cardiologist. He is recommending one of two possible surgical treatments; an Alcohol Septal Ablation, or a Myomectomy earlier today I saw a cardiac surgeon, who is ordering another echocardiogram before he decides whether to do it or not. Apparently the hospital system has misplaced the record of the one that was done when I was in the hospital last October...and, I'm reminded, there was one done last March, and they don't seem to have that one either.
I looked up "myomectomy" on the web and found a bunch of articles that don't apply (I don't have a uterus and never did), so I refined it to "cardiac myomectomy", and learned that these are indeed the two procedures of choice for patients with Hypertrophic Obstructive Cardiomyopaty (HOCM), whose condition is resistant to treatment with drug therapy. Incidentally, I found a description of the symptoms that matches mine...the only one I have't had is fainting (although I have felt a bit faint from time to time). The Myomectomy is the standard treatment, the Alcohol Septal Ablation is newer with less of a track record, but less invasive, there doesn't seem to be a consensus yet on which is better, except on a case-by-case basis.
I dislike the idea of open-heart surgery with a week in the hospital, and how much more post-operative recovery time I don't know...in a third floor apartment, (and, it's been pointed out, all alone with no one else to help take care of me...) I would prefer a less invasive procedure, but if it isn't going to work as well, I'm not sure. Unfortunately, the Ablation isn't done at WVU, so I have a suspicion that unless I actively seek it out, I'm not going to be offered a real choice, but get steered toward the surgery. At the same time, it's recommended that the best success with this procedure is when it is done at a major cardiac center by experienced surgeons, and I'm not sure this place qualifies. The surgeon I spoke with wasn't promising success: some patients improve considerably, some improve a little, and some don't improve at all. I'm not reassured.
I visited my family doctor and thought I was going to have minor surgery for a suspicious-looking mole on my back, but that didn't happen. and the next chance for it is next December. I do have plastic surgery for one on my jaw scheduled in about two weeks. What I did get out of the visit is a handicapped parking permit, a recommendation for me to move to the ground floor when an apartment becomes available, and a recommendation that I have a colonoscopy, probably after the heart surgery.

Quiet preparation

2006-08-24T09:37:00.000-07:00

I got a couple of belated birthday calls last night, from more of my brothers. Yesterday was more or less a quiet day; I got some groceries, worked on my knowledge base, and did some cleaning up of the living rooom and filing paperwork. I also spent a good part of the afternoon monitoring the process of checking the hard drive on my computer for errors: I wanted a thorough scan, since it's been two years since I did used it. No errors reported, so next I'm going to defragment the disk to see if I can improve its performance. There are still a few glitches in the system's operation, but fixing them is beyond my knowledge.

I went to the dentist this morning and had another tooth pulled, in preparation for a temporary partial upper plate that I'm going to have fitted next week.

Still here

2006-08-23T08:42:00.000-07:00

I got permission to continue using the borrowed monitor until I can get it replaced, which is a huge relief. I also, instead of canceling the DSL, signed up for an account that has a slower data transfer rate and a one year's contract, but costs half as much, which makes it a better fit for my budget.

Yesterday was my birthday, making me 4 dozen years old. I got calls from my mother & two brothers, ex-wife and oldest son, and the Significant Other, plus 3 e-cards. One of them was the funniest and liveliest birthday celebration I've had in years. I made myself a root beer float for dessert.

I've been pondering on the topic of words spoken in anger, and I'm thinking about drafting an article on the subject.

Offline again

2006-08-21T19:25:00.000-07:00

I mentioned that I'd reached a rather serious financial pinch. In order to accomodate necessities, I'm having to cut expenses back. Back in May, I'd been lent a computer system which I was trying to get connected to the Internet. I signed up for DSL, and purchased an ethernet card which I was trying to install. It runs out that I needed a Windows 98 SE CD in order to install the card. Before I found one, I headed out to Arizona and was gone until the end of June. By that time, I had brought my old computer (still in working order), from Nebraska. I finally got a proper disk around the end of July, and instead of using the borrowed system, I took the ethernet card and installed it instead in my own, and finally got connected to the DSL service I had signed up for earlier. Then last week my old monitor died the death, so I began using the borrowed one.
However, tomorrow I have to return the borrowed system, so that means I will be without a monitor and the funds to replace it. That means that my DSL is useless to me. Given that the bill has been accumulating and is now more than I can really afford and other debts are pressing, it appears that I'll have to cancel it and go to dial-up, perhaps in a month or two. I might still be able to keep library access to the net, although I'm not certain of it.

Balance

2006-08-20T18:25:00.000-07:00

I've been fairly stressed and discouraged this week over overdue bills and other stuff. The travel I've done has wreaked havoc on my budget and payment schedule, and I'm having an awful time trying to keep to my basic daily routines, as well as taking care of necessary chores instead of procrastinating them. It's an old cycle...depression leading to poor performance, which leads to failure, which leads back to depression. I'm trying to break the cycle, but it's hard.

Me oh my

2006-08-16T14:22:00.000-07:00

Has it really been almost a week since I updated? I didn't mention, in my account of the summer, that I took a couple of trips to Washington, DC; saw the White House and took a couple of trips up and down the National Mall, from the Washington Monument to the Lincoln Memorial, back up to the Capitol, and back to the Washington Monument again. We saw the National Archives, and Air and Space Museum, and a few other sites. The second trip was a bit shorter, we rode the Metro from Pentagon City into the downtown area and back, and spent most of the day in the Air and Space Museum and the Natural History Museum.

on Monday, we drove into the Baltimore-Washington Airport, and put my son back on the plane to Utah, where he will be going to school starting next week. I've been working on developing my web site, and resuming other activities such as getting glasses and dental work done. I'm just making forward progress, a little at a time.

Summer break

2006-08-11T17:43:00.000-07:00

As one of my readers pointed out to me, it's been another long while since I wrote here. I've been occupied with two trips to Virgina, largely to see the Significant Other. I took the opportunity to show my son who has been with me a number of things, such as some Civil War sites, a reenactment of the 1775 Virginia Convention where Patrick Henry gave his "Give me Liberty or give me death" speech, a day at the Atlantic Ocean (Virginia Beach), and a trip to Jamestown on the one trip.

The second trip involved a couple of days at the Great Wolf Lodge, which is a resort hotel with a large water part, a trip to the Virginia Historical Society Museum and a Richmond or Virginia Science Museum, where we saw Superman Returns at the IMAX Theater.

We've also taken advantage of the local library to do some reading, and I FINALLY at long last have an internet connection at home. It's been a busy summer.

Back again

2006-07-01T09:44:00.000-07:00

This time there was a legitimate reason for the long delay: I did not wish to inform anyone in advance that I would be out of town.
On Monday, June 12, I had some repair work done on the exhaust system of my car and did not get out of town until 5:00 p/m. (no, I don't believe in going on a 3,000 mile trip with a broken exhaust pipe: that's a recipe for Carbon monoxide poisoning.
I only made it to the West Virginia- Virginia border. Tuesday I spent driving across the rest of Virginia and Tennessee, and made it about 100 miles from Memphis before calling an early night. Wednesday I took far too long to find a park where I could take some decent pictures of the Mississippi River, then spend the afternoon playing leapfrog with Freeway elephants all the way across Arkansas, then made it through Dallas and Fort Worth just after rush hour with the sun glaring in my eyes. Thursday I stopped at the museum in Pecos, then rushed across the rest of Texas and watched oil pumps working halfway across the state before I got into the western desert parts, zoomed through New Mexico, and crossed into southeast Arizona, to visit a relative. I took some pictures of the town where I grew up, and went into Phoenix to spend Saturday and Sunday visiting my family. I was instantly reminded of why I left Phoenix when I encountered 6 lanes of traffic on the freeway at a dead stop at 2:30 in the faternoon when it's over 95 degrees outside. It didn't get much better the entire weekend, and I was glad to get out of there, in spite of the fact that the visit with my family was, to me, very successful.
Monday I drove up to Utah, Tuesday picked up my teenaged son to come out east with me for six weeks and visited an uncle and another brother, and Wednesday began heading back. We visited a living history site at This Is The Place monument in Salt Lake City, then drove up and got into Wyoming. Thursday, we visited Fort Bridger, then a couple of sites on the Mormon Trail in Wyoming, and took a long-range look at Independence Rock, and stayed at an RV campground just outside Scotts Bluff, Nebraska. Friday we stopped at Chimney Rock, briefly, and went to see my brother in Nebraska. We stayed there two nights and I spend most of the day packing stuff I had left behind there in order to ship it to Morgantown. There was too much and it's going to be too expensive to mail, so I confined myself to organizing the most urgent of it.
Sunday I decided to forego church, but we did visit the Mormon Trail visitor's center at the Winter Quarters site in Omaha, then the Kanesville site in Council Bluffs, took a quick peek at Glenwood, and made it to a state part just outside of Missouri. Monday we toured some of the Mormon sites in Missouri, and made it to Hannibal, where we found another RV campground. Tuesday we visited Nauvoo and Carthage, Illinois, and found another park just ouside Macomb. Wednesday was supposed to be a mad dash across the rest of the country, and we made it across the rest of Illinois, all of Indiana, and nearly to Columbus when the alternator on the car died. Fortunately, due to the hospitality of friends of my Significant Other, we were able to make repairs and stay the night, and returned to Morgantown about 3:30 PM, with time to unpack and do laundry. Yesterday, we did some shopping and I made it to a dentist's appointment, today is Library day, with catching up of stuff that piled up while I was traveling.
I'll have more oddservations the next time I'm on-line. Suffice it to say that I've spent most of the past two weeks sitting in the car going 500+ miles per day and while it's much faster than walking, no form of long-distance travel is really on my list of favorite things to do.

The driver is LEGAL!

2006-06-09T12:11:00.000-07:00

A reader reminded me that I have not updated my blog in a couple of weeks.

The pain in my shoulder that I referred to got so bad that I was urged to see a doctor. I was referred to a local clinic that handles urgent care cases, and it seems to have been a case of Bursitis. The doctor prescribed some pain killers and a muscle relaxant to try to break the cycle of spasms that cause further irritation. After about three days spent sleeping off painkillers, it worked.

Then, on Memorial Day, I found the clearance and reinstatement from Nebraska, and thinking that my Nebraska license was sufficient, went to visit the Significant Other in a neighboring state. I came back through Beckley, West Virginia, which has an office of the state DMV to try to clear up this last loose end, since I had brought all the proper documentation with me. I then found that I was required to start from the beginning with a learner's permit. I stayed in a motel overnight, since I had arrived at the DMV too late to start the driving test, and then on Friday FAILED the driving test! As I suspect about half the drivers in the country would, if they had to retest for their license with that particular examiner without any advance warning. West Virginia law requires 7 days before a retest, so I drove back home (What else could I do? Spend the rest of the week in a motel?) to wait out the week, and take care of other stuff.

The Significant Other came to visit a friend who lives not too far away, and we had another opportunity to visit over the weekend. One of the lessons in church on Sunday emphasized the dangers of sharing personal information on the Internet, through blogging, which has made me much more aware of what kind of information I should be careful about including in this blog. Then I spent the rest of the week clearing various odds and ends (such as calling a friend to help me practice for the retest).

So, this morning I went in to take the driver's exam in Morgantown. This examiner took me throught the parallel parking part of the test, which I handled (as well as the other parking lot driving) smoothly enough that she simply waived the rest of the road test, saying that I obviously knew how to drive. I wasn't about to demand the rest of it. So, Finally, with an apartment, and income, and a car and license, I can once again consider myself a functioning member of society.

Almost there

2006-05-24T08:44:00.000-07:00

My Nebraska Driver's license is now clear, so I will be applying for my WV driver's license later today. Assuming that everything goes well without more bureaucratic delays, I should finally be mobile, at long last. There's nothing quite achieving a major goal that opens up new possibilities.

That, in turn, will clear me to begin acting on my summer travel plans, with a couple of long-delayed and long-anticipated trips to build and repair some family relationships. I expect to be out of town for a couple of weeks, but I may be able to continue adding to this blog while I'm gone, on the same basis as I did while I was walking.

I got an estimate yesterday for dental work that I am going to need done. I should still be able to fit it in my budget, at least the necessary work. I also finished a round of the "rebuilding" course at the homeless shelter. I think it could have gone better, but it was a start.

Once again, I'm grateful for all the help people have given me.

Post Script. AAARGGHH!!!! BAD assumption, when dealing with any kind of bureaucracy, that everything will go well, without any delays. Nebraska is sending me a clearance letter, confirming that my driver's license is no longer suspended, and the West Virginia DMV wants to see it before they will give me one. So now I get to wait on the USPS so I can jump this one last hurdle. And I had already asked for a vacation mail hold on my mail...more aggravation.
I'm also dealing with what seems to be a pulled muscle, which is sending a sharp wave of pain up my back and shoulder every few seconds. I must confess that I have had better days.

Changes

2006-05-20T11:06:00.000-07:00

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was beginning a new chapter in my life. That was an understatement. At about the same time as the chapter of moving into a new place, I began a personal relationship that makes this merely the prologue to a whole new book. I'm not discussing the details at present, out of respect for the other person involved, but this has been opening a vast range of new or renewed possibilities, experiences, and yes, strains and stresses.

I couldn't have handled this kind of relationship a year ago, or before, and even though I'm feeling emotionally rather shaky and trembling, there is enough promise that I've been streadily moving forward. Developing a whole new set of habits of personal management, getting the car, and making preparations for the trip west are one thing, but at the same time adjusting to an additional set of emotional needs, urges, and demands that need to be resolved in a comparatively short period of time is an even more difficult balancing act. I've been a bit stressed this week and showing signs of depression, such as insomnia and not being happy about successes and good news, which haven't helped the relationship one little bit.

Nevertheless, I'm moving forward. I'm wearing clean clothes, keeping my face shaved and teeth brushed, my apartment fairly uncluttered, the bills are up to date and I've been following through on what I have said I will do. I've been keeping my e-mail read, my blogs written, and I've even picked up work on my Knowledge Base again.

So...how do I relieve stress? Hmm, I seem to have something of shortage of ways to do it...

Progress

2006-05-18T10:33:00.000-07:00

Still nothing on the Driver's license: I finally called Nebraska's DMV and my insurance company to try to get things straightened out. Final word is that I have to wait for the U.S. Mail to send a physical copy. Why Nebraska hasn't joined the 21st century and isn't accepting electronic documents or faxes from this particular company I do not comprehend, but that's what seems to be the case.

Most of the critical things I need to do in the immediate future are now taken care of as far as I can do, and so I just need to wait for other people.

The car is legal, the driver isn't.

2006-05-16T11:11:00.000-07:00

When I was coming out of the apartment this morning, I was greeted by a trio of ducks. I must say it was better weather for them than it was for me.

Apparently the wheel bearings on the car seem to be OK. It did need alignment, The "toe" adjustment on 3 of the 4 wheels was badly out of line, but otherwise it was mostly good. It's also passed the state safety inspection, so it's now legal. The mysterious noise seems to be gone on normal, straight driving, but I did hear it on a sharp turn.
No visible progress on the DL: I need to call the Nebraska DMV to see if there has been any I haven't heard of yet. Once I get it, I can move forward with confidence in several other areas.

I seem to be gradually pulling out of Sunday's blues. Yesterday wasn't as bad, and today isn't as bad as that, and it's not a full crashing depression: I'm still going forward, still working, still getting stuff done, although everytime one thing gets done, there are two or three waiting to take its place. But the most critical things are more or less under control, if I stay on top of them.

Scaling back

2006-05-15T10:51:00.000-07:00

I don't recall that I accomplished much Saturday...besides checking e-mail and a few groceries, and a lot of talking. I got in trouble for something I said and ended on a very awkward and painful note, and was blue most of the day Sunday, so my phone call to my mother wasn't very cheerful, but I did finally get the trouble straightened out later in the evening. I took the car into the shop this morning for a pair of tires and a lube job; then to another mechanic for an alignment and a state inspection. I only succeeded in making an appointment, and asking the mechanic about a certain wheel noise. It could be that a wheel bearing is going bad, which would account for alignment problems and uneven wear on some of the tires. Saturday I got a bank statement and it's taken a lot longer than I anticipated to get my checkbook balanced. It's finally right, though, so I can make plans with more confidence.
I have an informal, mental budget and right now it seems that I'm fairly close to it, but a bit over. I can take care of necessary expenses, but car-related expenses been cutting into my summer trip plans, and I'm having to drop one anticipated side trip for the activities I had planned for the summer. It could be a lot worse.

Semi-Mobile

2006-05-13T11:16:00.000-07:00

Thursday afternoon I got some friends to help and we went up to Pennsylvania to get my car and bring it back. It's in fine condition, except for a few minor repairs, and is legally insured, registered, and sitting in the parking lot of my apartment complex. It's legal (though I do need to get it inspected in West Virginia this week), but I'm not...I still need to wait out the bureaucratic delays for getting my driver's license. With a place to live, a telephone, and a car, I can just about rejoin society.
I have several bits of personal business I'm still working on, and also preparing for an extended and long-overdue trip west to visit family next month. That's...eep...only two weeks away. Time is ticking away from me...

Glumness

2006-05-10T11:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a pretty bad day. I showed up to do a presentation on life and recovery skills at the local homeless shelter, and no one showed up. Not one single solitary person. I was seriously unhappy and frustrated. Well, at least this time I had an excuse for feeling down. But, I'm not so discouraged I'm giving up. I've had a couple of ideas suggested that should help with recruitment and so forth. I also got a certificate of insurance for the car I'm buying.
This morning was rather better. Now that I've had my necessary dose of the blues and recovered, I can go back to feeling cheerful. I've now registered the car and have plates, so now as soon as I can recruit another driver, and someone else to take us up to Pennsylvania, I can bring it back.

Vehicle progress

2006-05-08T12:55:00.000-07:00

Where did the weekend go? Oh, now I remember. Saturday I was getting the title to the car I'm buying, and I spent a while reading. Yesterday I was at church and then talking to people, including family. I got a copy of my Nebraska Driving record so I could start the next key step, getting insurance. This is necessary both for getting the car registered and legally transported here from Pennsylvania, and for getting my driver's license back. Apparently Nebraska has a seriously arcane procedure for reinstating a suspended license and it may take a couple more weeks for the wheels of bureaucracy to grind.
I'm not used to feeling upbeat and cheerful for extended periods of time...usually, after a few days to a couple of weeks, I'm expecting to fall into a funk to some degree. But...I've had a kind of help I haven't had before. Is it possible for feeling cheerful and positive to become the rule rather than the exception? We shall see.

Still walking

2006-05-05T13:57:00.000-07:00

The car purchase is going slower than I would like, but I'm still making progress. I'm hoping I can finish it within the week. The course I mentioned at the shelter is on track to start Tuesday. Since I've done the most critical items on my "Things to Do" list for now, I've resumed work on the Knowledge Base I've been describing on the
Independent Learning blog.

Snailing, Snailing

2006-05-01T09:48:00.000-07:00

Moving along, more slowly than I would like. I'm still working on the chicken-and-egg car insurance problem, although I am in the process of purchasing a vehicle to insure, which should simplify the process somewhat. With a telephone, vehicle, and better internet access (also in progress), I should almost be in shape to rejoin society.
I just saw an article in one of the local weekly papers that are sent out in the mail on an organization that's working with the homeless in Morgantown. I don't think I met those people: They work mostly with people who are worse off than I was. But, I've volunteered to put together a life & recovery skills class for the shelter I was in, and should be starting that next week.

Back up

2006-04-28T10:56:00.000-07:00

A couple of my readers thought my last entry was seriously downbeat. I was feeling a bit down, but I didn't think it showed that much. A survival-oriented attitude has served me wll in the past, and may yet again be needed in the future. But, for now, I'm back on top of the world.

Setbacks

2006-04-26T12:31:00.000-07:00

Every once on a while, when it seems things are going swimmingly, there is a big setback. We all like to build castles in the air and hate to see them collapse. So, then what? Sometimes, take a few minutes to mourn. Maybe, it will take more than a few minutes. And then, if you're a builder, you go back to work. You salvage what you can, find what went wrong, and fix it. And then you rebuild, better than before.

Speeding by

2006-04-22T09:00:00.000-07:00

Over the past month or so, there has been a new source of vim, vigor, and vitality in my life. I'm not ready to say more, but I am moving along with much more good cheer and energy than I'm used to, and in the process taking more steps to work towards my various goals, major and minor, and those necessary steps aren't nearly so much a burden as I've sometimes found them.
I'm been getting some long-overdue dental work done, among other things. Forward progress isn't so much a matter of giant leaps (Although I've had a few of those), as it is a matter of small but necessary steps.
At times, I've been in situations where these small necessary steps were just necessary, survival routine and drudgery. It makes a difference when they represent noticeably measurable parts of a plan. and it's nice to be able to look back and seen them as accomblishments, rather than just an indicator that it's time for the next chore.

Which comes first?

2006-04-17T11:55:00.000-07:00

Last year I went through a course in credit management and learned how I could rebuild a ruined credit record. (First step, have an income, now accomplished; working on the next step.) But a driver's record is also tricky. I need to clear my Nebraska license suspension before I can get a WV license. And I need high-risk insurance to get the Nebraska license cleared. And I need a car to insure, and a driver's license to get insurance...wait a minute. Which comes first, the chicken or the egg?

Easter

2006-04-15T13:27:00.000-07:00

An Easter thought.
The proper way to celebrate Easter, and Holy week, for any professed Christian, is not to spend one day in church listening to hymns and sermons, and then forget about him until Christmas. Rather, it is to take up one's cross every day, following the Savior's example of obedience to the Father and self-mastery. It is to remember, not so much his agonizing death, as his teachings and exemplary life, and the promise of new life once the suffering and death are over. It's not about new clothes and the Easter Bunny; it's about sorrow turning into joy, a gift from a living, loving God.

Springtime

2006-04-13T10:40:00.000-07:00

I like springtime. Warming temperatures, new life, green and growing with flowers, and all sorts of bright promise.
But, even better than the earth's springtime, is the internal, emotional sort of springtime.

Picking fights

2006-04-11T11:53:00.000-07:00

I've been reminded of a talk that was given in the recent LDS General Conference on the general theme of anger and contention, one that I appreciated much when I heard it.
One of the reasons I haven't deal much with current events and politics on this blog is that I increasingly dislike the divisive tone of political discourse: It's either Hate the gays, or Hate the oppressive religious right: Hate the Democrats or Hate the Republicans; Hate the evil Bush Administration or Hate the terrorists. What ever happened to civilized debate? What happened to recognizing that those who disagree with you sometimes do have a point and admitting it? What happened to disagreeing without being disagreeable? What happened to attack the argument with reason, not the person with passion?
There are plenty of blogs that discuss current events and politics. While I have plenty of opinions, I dislike going unarmed and unarmored into battle; especially if I'm going to be arguing both sides of questions that really aren't all that important. For now, I'm still trying to improve my personal position.

Getting around

2006-04-10T11:46:00.000-07:00

A recurring thought, from when I was walking across the country the summer before last. What are we all going to do when the price of gasoline creeps up to seriously interfere with our driving habits; not only for optional trips, but necessary ones?

Baching it

2006-04-05T11:28:00.000-07:00

I found that the apartment I moved into was unfurnished, which makes things a bit difficult. The floor doesn't make a good mattress: I had to break out the trusty old sleeping bag I've carried across the country, and I have no place to store stuff or sit, except the floor. Showers are far more convenient than they were in the shelter. Food is rather harder: I don't have to share the refrigerator with 20 people, but I do have to do my own cooking. Communication (with a local phone) is much more convenient. I haven't picked a long-distance carrier yet. Transportation is difficult; I'm a mile and a half from the downtown area where I was doing my studies, so it's either ride the bus, which constrains my hours at the library rather badly, or walk, which consumes time and gets harder on the feet every year. If it were a matter of life and death or other dire necessity, I could maybe take another hike across the country...but I certainly wouldn't want to, and would go even slower. Medical and dental care are a bit easier. Most people have little idea how hard the comforts of life that most of us take for granted are, to people in a homeless situation.
I could make things a little more comfortable by spending more money, but extended perios of doing without can make for habits of frugality that I'm in no rush to break. I have long-overdue debts to take care of.

End of a Chapter

2006-03-31T15:04:00.000-08:00

I haven't emphasized it or made a big deal of it, so it may have escaped the notice of some of my readers that since I arrived in Morgantown a year and a half ago, that since then I've been in living in a homeless shelter. It's a very nice program, designed to help people get back on their feet. It's taken an uncommonly long time for me to do so; more than most people would have the patience for.

However, due to qualifying for disability and some help from the shelter, I am finally moving into an apartment on my own, next Monday. April 4. Celebrations may now begin.

I'm very grateful to the directors and staff at the Bartlett House in Morgantown for their help, patience, and forbearance, and to Morgantown's Milan Puskar Health Right for their help in medical services. I owe more than I can ever repay, but if there is anyway I can now help others out of poverty and despair, I mean to do so. And for those various friends who have followed my story (You should know who you are) and offered good wishes, support, and prayers, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

But this is not the end of this blog, oh no. It's the beginning of a new chapter. I'm still going to be offering commentary and personal opinion...

From the Ground

Roller-coaster roads

2006-03-30T11:48:00.000-08:00

On my trip out here, starting in Indiana and going through much of Ohio and West Virginia, I encountered a lot of narrow, up-and-down, winding, twisty roads. I've driven a few such, in Arizona and Utah, but there are more of them and they are longer out here.
Sometimes relationships are just that kind of thing, especially if emotions, hopes and fears, expectations, and our various roles in society get involved. I find it's necessary sometimes to put on the brakes, and slow down a bit. That's not the same as getting off the road.
I'm more than half convinced that romance is overrated. It's a disease, or maybe a pathological condition, akin to temporary insanity. I'll trade it for a stable, reliable friendship any time. Just about any time. Then again, *maybe* it's not *always* so bad...

As I was leaving the University library about lunch time, a young man was outside handing out pamphlets for "Jews for Jesus". I told him I thought it was a very good thing that some Jews seem to be accepting Jesus as the Messiah, and wished him the very best. I wanted to say more, but...I tend to get in trouble when my tongue starts wagging too freely.
I decided to call a halt to the Anne Perry series for now; I only made it halfway through the last couple of books. A friend has suggested a different one, the Mitford series by Jan Karon, that I'm going to try. I prefer to start series from the beginning, when I can. I went over to the city public library to see if they were there, and yes, they are.
The roommate who was my sometime chess partner, helped me get my glasses fixed, and so on was abruptly moved out a couple of weeks ago. I only heard rumors about why, and while I was in the city library, encountered him and heard his side of the story. I don't think he was or is being treated fairly, but I'm afraid the way he's handling it is more confrontational than conciliatory. I wish there was something I could do to help.

Update

2006-03-27T10:25:00.000-08:00

For those who are following this and wonder where I've been, I'm still alive and still here. But, things are finally, at long last, starting to move.

Since I'm qualified for SS Disability and SSI, which helps out a great deal in the finances department. I've started apartment hunting, so I hope to move into my own place by the beginning of the month.
I guess my heart decided I wasn't celebrating enough, so it started thumping, and pounding, and racing, and getting sore and achy. I decided that if this went on very long, I was going to be in sad shape, so called it an emergency and went into the hospital for observation early Tuesday morning (the 21st) After an echocardiogram about noon, a doctor came in about 6 pm and told me:
A) My blood pressure was too high. B) My heart condition is the same thing it was 6 months ago when I got everyone excited by flunking the stress test. C) My heart walls are twice as thick as anybody else's and stiff to boot, so there's not the capacity inside or the action to sustain a lot of activity, which accounts for the aches and shortness of breath. D) I need to bring my blood pressure down to below 100. It's 150 at the arm, which means it's around 230 inside the heart, which is enough to kill a horse and I'm not a horse so if I want to live, bring it down. E) Bringing my blood pressure down will help a whole lot of things. F) He didn't know why my heart sometimes decides to run wild when all I'm trying to do is get some sleep. G) The number one most important thing I can do is bring the blood pressure down. OK, I got the word, but did he have to tell the whole floor?
Then they turned me loose.

I've been devoting a bunch of time to e-mail correspondence with a woman I ment on LDS Mingle. There are worse things I could be doing with my time, but my list of things-I-need-to-do-but-haven't-found-time-for is growing again and I need to prune the list by geting some of them done.

Another half month?

2006-03-13T12:37:00.000-08:00

I knew I was putting this off, but this is ridiculous. OK, there is a little bit of news. The Social Security Administration, in its definitely finite wisdom, has decided that yes, I do qualify as disabled. I should start receiving benefits sometime within the next 6 weeks, which should lift a significant burdent.

I had also looked into the West Virginia Division of Vocational Rehabilitation. They seem to be out of funds for this fiscal year, but if I qualify for SS Disability, I would automatically qualify for any assistance they can can offer, probably in January.

A friend recommended an LDS-oriented meeting service, LDSMingle where I've been visiting. They recently handed out a 7-day trial membership, and I've been taking full advantage of it. I should be back to mostly lurk mode in a couple of days. One person who started writing to me there has already decided to not pursue things. I expected this to happen sometime or other, but it's still disappointing.

I've been involved in writing related to the paper version of my knowledge base, a particularly slow-moving variant that I'm trying to accelerate, and not done much updating here. I learned that yes my mother does have cancer, a lymphoma, but it's supposed to respond well to chemotherapy.

All of a sudden, it appears that things are lurching forward for me. But, as usual, we shall see what we shall see.

Studying good

2006-03-01T16:06:00.000-08:00

About a week ago, a seed that's been sitting in an obscure corner of my mind sprouted.
I was thinking of an incident in the Book of Mormon (Mosiah 13:11, where Noah's priests are rebuked for having studied and taught iniquity the most part of their lives. I haven't done that, but it occurs to me that in my various studies, I've rather neglected the study of righteousness. By that I mean the practice of doing good. Too often, even if I would want to help people, I don't know how. So, I've begun thinking of ways I can do this.

Every so often, when I've been thinking about doing things for some time, I suddently and without much warning get up and move into action. I decided to go in and see the local WV Division of Rehabilitiation services. It seems they're out of funding for the year and although there are some things they might be able to help me with, it won't be until summer.

Non-negativism

2006-02-25T12:27:00.000-08:00

I often suppose that I tend to be negative about what's going on in my life from day to day, looking at the down side of things. Sometines, it's difficult finding something to say that's positive or encouraging. I think the term "positivism" is already taken.

One of my roommates did something very nice for me. I had broken a part of the frame of my glasses that holds the lens in and had no way to replace it. This week he took them to some optical store, with intentions of replacing the frame, but apparently it turned out to be cheaper to repair them. So, after about 3 months, I can see again. At distance, that is; I can read close up better without my glasses than with them.

Insomnia

2006-02-23T07:29:00.000-08:00

Quite frequently when I gat involved in something during the day, I find that I can't let it go when I go to bed. I either can't get to sleep at all, or I get up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep. If helps if I can get up and write it down...but that kills a couple of hours of sleep time, and I either wake up late, or if I have to get up, wind up making up for it with a nap.
Can't sleep at night, can't stay awake during the day is one of my chronic complaints. Not sure what to do about it? It would be nice if I had more control over the sleep switch in my brain, but...we all have our difficulties. This time, what kept my up was my world-building, but it could have been jaut about anything.

Just another day

2006-02-22T07:37:00.000-08:00

I could leave it at that: I got some rewriting and expansion of my notes on history and my virtual world building, and not a whole lot more except watching the Olympics last night.
Winter is probably my least favorite season, but it's not really that much worse in West Virginia than it was in Utah or Nebraska. A bit wetter and not quite as cold. This winter, though, has been quite dry and mild, compared to what it was last year, (or usually is); except for last week. But that didn't last long. February is on the way out, and I'm rather looking forward to spring.

Slow motion

2006-02-21T08:03:00.000-08:00

I made it to the local library Sunday and picked up another few books. I haven't done all of them but one "The Necessary Beggar", by Susan Palwick, caught my attention. I've also finished "Highgate Rise" by Anne Perry.

For the past few days, everything I do has been an effort. When I was young, before teens, at the local swimming pool, I used to wade in the shallow end, which was waist-deep. Walking was no great problem, but sometimes I'd try to run and found that the resistance was too much; I ran in slow motion and didn't go much faster than if I walked. Worry is like that. I spend a whole lot more energy and don't go all that much faster. So, I take things one day at a time.

But sometime it still feels like I'm wading through sludge. Even the littlest things seem like a lot of effort, and I walk around in an icky, sour, depressed mood. I suspect I'm not sleeping well; my roommates report a lot of snoring, and I know I've gained weight over the past year or so. I tried putting myself on a bit of a diet, but it didn't last (I'm certainly no better at self-improvement projects than the large portion of the population that tries and doesn't succeed). From various hints, it appears that the weight gain may be largely water and related to my heart condition, anyway.

But in spite of feeling like...Well, you get the idea... I have been making progress in areas I mention on my other two blogs, so not everything is going badly.

President's Day

2006-02-20T11:25:00.000-08:00

I mentioned last year that this seems to be an excuse for car dealers to have sales...although i've noticed that it's not limited to them this year. I'm just happy I'm not locked away from all the library computers.
Otherwise, I'm not celebrating very much.

I've made more progress on my independent learning project over the weekend, I've been looking at the history of computer games, and following discussions on game.dev. There's a possibility that I may be able to get a hand-me-down computer system in the next couple of weeks, which would let me get back into programming, but for now, I;m going to have to add that to my wait-and-see list.

Catch that day! It's getting away!

2006-02-17T08:34:00.000-08:00

I had a couple of appointments that threw off my schedule yesterday, and a couple of topics on a forum where I regularly visit. A question by someone about how learning and study can (but doesn't always) lead people astray, another question about asking for help, and another about studies of DNA & American Indians, ate half the day and gave me reason to ponder about some of my own behavior.
I'm not one who asks for help much. There are many reasons, one of them being that I'm a bit defiant about asking anything at all from those who have accused me of wilfully depending on others (such as themselves).
In the meantime, I'm itching to make more progress on my Independent Learning and VWB blogs.

More of same

2006-02-15T10:05:00.000-08:00

Minimal progress, really. I was reading the message boards on gamedev.net, added a few topics to my discussion of government for Independent Learning, and started doing some design work on a program that would impliment the ideas I'm discussing on the Virtual World Building. Besides watching the Winter Olympics in the evening, and thinking about my life ouside the various projects I am involved in, I don't have much to report.
Although, there are other odds and ends I look at from time to time: a lawsuit one of my roommates is involved in, Cheney's nunting accident, the causes of procrastination, a chess game, a couple of upcoming appointments, and more I don't remember at the moment but may well float to the surface in the middle of the night.

Valentine's day

2006-02-14T09:40:00.000-08:00

Nothing much to report. Earlier this weekend, I picked up two more Ann Perry Novels; "Bethlehem Road", and the first of her series featuring William Monk, "The Face of a Stranger". I missed one, "Silence in Hanover Close"; the local library doesn't have it.
I also got a few boxes of the candy Sweet Hearts with messages on them. That's about as close as I can get to celebrating, and it's more than I did last year.

Mid-February

2006-02-13T09:46:00.000-08:00

I never intended to go this long without posting here. I found a new computer game at www.pardus.at, and have spent more time than I should figuring my way around in it. But the "new" has worn off, so I'm back to doing other things.

I had word from a family member that my mother has cancer. I'm not going to include my various thoughts and feelings about this sitution here, other than that it mingles with other background stress that I can do little about.

This weekend, I decided to start yet another new blog: (I have 3 active, 2 inactive). This one is called Virtual World Building and is a place for exploring some of my more creative ideas. I mean to include topics from science, mathematics, computer programming, as well as elements from the knowledge base to help organize my thinking. It would go much, much, better if I had my computer with me, but since I don't have room for it and it's sitting half the country away...Well, I can either give up the idea (I've taken that approach), or figure "If I can't do what I want to, I'll do what I can".

After the trip

2006-01-30T16:03:00.000-08:00

I mede it on the ward's tempe trip to the Washington DC Temple. We missed a turn and headed for Baltimore, which took us about an hour out of our way, but we made it there. I went in the visitor's center and saw the new film "Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Resstoration". I enjoyed it. I was faintly hoping to see a little more of DC, but didn't ask, and the people I went with wanted to get home, which is what I expected, Some other time, maybe I can go see the political sites and memorials and landmarks.

Same, same

2006-01-26T08:08:00.000-08:00

I've been involved on work related to my knowledge base and the Independent Learning blog. I finally put a link to it here, so anyone that wants to can see what I've been doing on that subject. There is a site, called the truth laid bear that rates blogs by popularity. "Independent Learning" is a Multicellular Microorganism, since one person has linked to it, while "From the Ground" wasn't even listed. I've added it to the ones it checks, but it's probably going to rate as an "Insignificant Microbe".

I've checked out the next two Anne Perry novels, and have started "Death in the Devil's Acre". I also picked up an SF work I haven't read, "Glory Season" by David Brin.

Catching up

2006-01-24T08:50:00.000-08:00

I'v recently decided, once again, to modify my approach to the knowledge base. I've been trying it from the ground up, and it's just not working. I decided to do another high-level down approach, which is going much more smoothly. I've been more active on the Independent Learning site this week.

I finished "Rutland Place" and "bluegate Fields" by Ann Merry, and just finished reading "The Eternity Artifact" by L.E. Modessit, so it's back to the local public library for another round. I haven't been listening to any music, though.

Every once in a while one of my sisters-in-law forwards an e-mail from one of her friends or relatives. I hadn't heard from her in a while, but just got one. It's related to the depressive anger I mentioned a couple of weeks ago. Am I feeding the anger, or feeding the better side of my nature? I'm not a good judge, but I'm working on feeding the better side.

Midweek

2006-01-18T06:46:00.000-08:00

I did more rewriting of my history notes, another review of how little I really know about history.

I finished reading "Savage Messiah", the author's name is Robert Newcomb. I wish authors didn't feel like they have to make each villian or monster worse than the last. I'd rather see more human drama than gory effects.

Mid-January

2006-01-17T06:26:00.000-08:00

At Church Sunday, a couple invited me to go with them on the next trip to the Washington DC Temple on Jan 28. I'll just get to go to the Vistor's center, but I'm looking forward to it.

I went to the local library to pick up then next two Anne Perry books, "Paragon Walk" and "Resurrection Row". I found also "Elantris", the first work by a new writer named Brandon Sanderson, and "Savage Messiah:, the fourth in a series by ... Newcomb. I've finished three of them, but not the other one yet.

Yesterday the local library was closed, but the University library opened at 1 pm. I didn't do much to notice MLK Day, except study. I've been rewriting overviews of subjects, lately concentrating on history, rather than breaking new ground.

Reading and writing and...

2006-01-14T07:29:00.000-08:00

With the "fractal method" of writing in mind, I took another crack at outlining a story I've been working on for a while. The author of this piece talked about accomulating experience and ideas before writing a book; composting, he called it. I've been doing that for some times, Maybe this time I'll get farther with the book.

I've given up GOVSIM. It's depressing, and takes too much time, that I want to be giving to the knowledge base.

I got a note from some company that wants to put a pay-per-click advertising spot on my Independent Learning blog. It's tempting, but I'm cautious. I've heard the term, but I don't know how it works. I would have been happy to put one advertising-related page on my Sapience Knowledge Base website, but since that's dormant (it is still up, though)...We'll see.

Yesterday, one of my roommates told me that he had encountered a new book about the founder of Mormonism in the local library. He offered to check it out for me, but said no, I was going up there and would look at it myself. I thought it might have been Richard Bushman's new biography of Joseph Smith, called Rough Stone Rolling. He said, no, that wasn't it. I went up to take a look, and, yes it was. So I sat down and read it. Some 500 pages, in one sitting. Amazing? Naw. I do that kind of thing all the time. It's [so far been] a highly useless skill. It helps that I'm already familiar with most of the story. I think the book did a fairly good job at balancing Joseph's prophetic and human sides. I do have a couple of quibbles, but I don't know that I need to point them out.

I had left my library card, so I didn't check out the next Anne Perry book, but the library does have it, so if I get there today, I'll grab it, and probably the next one, for the weekend, another library-closing holiday coming up soon.

AFter that, I spent an afternoon composing a personal letter to a family member.

Later, I spent the evening evening listining to an Oldies station...60s and 70s popular and rock. Overall, I think I like that station better than the contemporary country one, but I'd still like to make my own collection of personal favorites. I'm not interested in just one genre of music. I might have spent it working on my knowledge base, or on writing. There aren't enough hours in the day. As others have noted.

Already?

2006-01-12T16:32:00.000-08:00

Somehow, the day has gone by without me accomplishing a fraction of what I had intended. It seems there were several things I was going to write about, and I can hardly remember one.
I was on one of the internet forums where I regularly hang out, and got involved in a discussion about poverty. One of the members there had written a short piace along the same lines as the parable of Lazarus and the Rich Man (Luke 16:19-23), though not quite so hard on the rich woman. The author was taking a certain amout of flak for for it. The more she tried to explain herself, the more she exposed for people to pick at. I was was outraged, I was irate, and it took a lot of effort for me to tone things down and write civilly. I've learned the habit of self-censorship: I don't say a tenth of what I think, in part because I've been on the receiving end of what I saw her going through. Then people observe that I'm TOO quiet. Well...there's no pleasing everybody.
I heard a variant of Aesop's Fable about the man, the boy, and the donkey, telling how this could have been averted by planning in advance and sticking to the plan. I've also found bits and pieces around the internet about bullying, about anger management, about the fractal method of writing a novel (!!!), and other such odds and ends. And yes, I finished "Callander Square", and I'm ready to go look for the next one.

Not so anxious

2006-01-10T15:19:00.000-08:00

Finished "The Cater Street Hangman" and have started on the next in the series of Victorian era murder mysteries by Anne Perry: "Callander Square."

It seems that the best place to do music research is at the Evansdale Campus of WVU. I could make it up there, but it's a long walk and I'm short on bus fare, so it's back on my "someday" list. And it's still not a 100% certainty that I could do it even there.
The anxiety attack has (mostly) passed, and I'm emotionally on track again (at least, no worse off than usual), but my heart gave notice that it doesn't like me to hurry up the hill.

Anxiety attacks

2006-01-09T15:49:00.000-08:00

I didn't even have a name for them, but now that I'm in the middle of one, it's not an unfamiliar sensation. I have an idea what triggers them, but there's not a whole lot I can do about it right now.

I've basically run through all the SF in the local library, so I'm sort of waiting for new books to come out, which doesn't happen nearly often enough for my taste (I can read a lot faster than I can write). I've decided, as a break from that, to start rereading some mysteries. A while ago I ran across Anne Perry and have read most of hers, so I thought maybe I'd start over with "The Cater Street Hangman", her first.

For quite some time, I've beek kicking around ideas of developing a computer game, although I don't quite have the computer skills (or the hardware, anymore) to carry ot off. I encountered a site for game developers, and decided to post an introduction in their "Help wanted". So far, looks but no responses. It's a common and frustrating experience. I'm just about convinced I couldn't sell ice at the equator.

Anger

2006-01-07T13:40:00.000-08:00

Part of the blues I've been going through is a persistent sense of anger. When I get up in the morning and take my emotional temperature, I frequently find that I'm angry...it find myself saying "I don't care", except that it's an angry reaction, not genuine apathy.
Underneath my depression, I find, I have more anger than I had really noticed. I've used a metaphor of digging down to bedrock: except that part of it isn't rock: it's permafrost composed of frozen anger, which sometimes melts and turns to muck.
I did some searching on various mental health related subjects, and came across some interesting ideas; some of which I'd heard before.

I've been wanting to comment on some of the books I've been reading lately. (I read fast). At All Costs, by David Weber (the latest in the Honorverse). Shaman's Crossing, by Robin Hobb. Knife of Dreams, by Robert Jordan. I've been wanting to comment on "Komarr" by Lois McMaster Bujold. I find myself identifying with both the heroine, Ekaterina Vorsoisson, and her husband, Etienne Vorsoiosson, for different reasons.

I don't know if I mentioned that I've been looking to build a music collection, and I thought I'd start with music from the early days of radio and recording. I've found a source that goes back to the 1920s, so I'm starting there. There are several oldies I'd like to add to my collection one day. I want to listen to them first, though, and although there are a great many that can be found on www.allmusic.com, finding a computer with music access is a bit harder.

Happy New Year

2006-01-04T15:50:00.000-08:00

Nature takes no notice of the New Year; this is purely a social creation. I'm not much of a believer in New Year's resolutions; I don't see what makes them stick better than resolutions made at any other time of year. New month's resolutions, or birthday resolutions, or anniversary resolutions, or any other memorable holiday would work just as well.
I've been wished, and assured, by a friend that this year will be better than last. I hope so, but I have my doubts about it.

If I could have had one thing for Christmas, it would have been for peace and goodwill among my family. But that's never been a realistic hope, and I found that it wasn't in my power to give, either.
My parents used to tell me what a rotten, good-for-nothing lazy shirk I was, and offered up such bitter, acid, venomous, mocking sarcasm that I still have trouble sharing my more sensitive feelings. And they still drop sharp and pointed words into conversations, and wonder why I seldom visit, or call, or write. My brothers and in-laws (some of them) echo same, and don't send or return e-mails, and wonder why I keep my distance.
I don't have money, or things money buys, even sufficient for my own needs. But that gets no sympathy. If I'm poor, or lonely, or miserable, I most likely deserve it. Or so I've heard, time and time again. And if I imagine that I have other things to offer...well, if money isn't the only thing in life, it's a darn sight better than whatever comes next. I called that a lie, once, and nearly got thrown out for it.
Not that the rest of the world is a whole lot better. In private and in public, behind the back and at a safe distance, in the press and on the internet, we criticize and condemn one another, without kindness and without mercy. It makes me weary and sick. But if it isn't a physical sickness...does it count?
But still I keep moving. If life is a journey, I'm not done with mine yet. And so, I'll keep commenting this year...From the Ground.

New year coming

2005-12-30T12:37:00.000-08:00

Since I'm still relying on public-use computers, and those are closed for the weekend, I'll be back...next year. Enjoy whatever party you're invited to.

Post-Christmas

2005-12-28T06:26:00.000-08:00

My wintertime blues extended through Christmas. I can trace several reasons why i've gotten into something of a funk, but, as usual, just having some idea of the reasons hasn't been much help in getting out of it, since so many of them are out of my control.
For instance, there are family relationships. My relationships with my family tend to be full of broken glass and minefields once I get off the few safe subjects. There is the fact that my relationships with other people are largely difficult and unsatisfying. That's a broad generalization, but I don't know that it would help to be more specific: is this an observation, or a complaint?
I saw a letter to "Dear Abby" this morning that seems relevant. A wife wrote in saying that her husband was continually putting himself down, and it was wearing on her and their relationship. She seggested that he might have been subjected to abuse in the past, so that even if he wasn't getting it now, he would generate it himself.
I could speculate on how difficult it is for any of us to have a true and honest opinion of ourselves, but don't want to go there just now.
More than one person has been generous to me this season. I've been given a sweater (Not that I really needed another one), a half dozen pair of socks (which I definitely did, some candy (nice, but maybe not so good for me), a portable CD player (long on my "hice to have, but not needed" list), a pair of boots (very nice, if I ever want to go on another cross-country hike, but that's not likely; but maybe when it warms up I can do some rambling locally), a virtual gift certificate to Walmart,com (That can be used for a variety of things and shows some interest, although it doesn't show a great deal of insight into what my needs or wants are.) If any of the givers read this blog, my thanks if I haven't offered it. There's not much physical I have to give, and of the intangibles, I don't know what I have that people need.
A sense of being wanted, needed, welcome? It's not something you can get in a store. It's not something I know how to give. As the wife of the self-critical husband is learning, sometimes human wants are a bottomless pit. No matter what your good intentions, you can never give enough of what doesn't satisfy.
I also found a new role-playing-game, USGOVSIM, although that hasn't been as interesting as I would like, and has actually contributed to the funk. I care very much about government and have some strong opinions about part of it, but this simulates the realities of partisan politics a little too well. There is an element of dictatorial high-hendedness in both the players and the administration that punches one of my buttons rather hard, and some of what I consider my important ideas are being ignored. But, for now, it suits some of my purposes, as long as I don't get too involved.
I have some of my own ideas about simulation-type games, but not the technical expertise to put them into action. There is too much that I don't know, and this starts to feed into my knowledge base, which I've also been neglecting lately.
But that's another subject.

Winter blues?

2005-12-05T10:44:00.000-08:00

I haven't had a whole lot to say, this past week. Still don't.

Not on my blog, you don't

2005-11-28T07:37:00.000-08:00

I didn't want to hassle with moderating comments, but someone just put up one that's a blatant advertisement for *** parties, and it seems to be located several months back in the archives where I'm going to have a devil of a time finding it to purge it. I don't want the search engines and the like getting the idea that this is that kind of blog.

Thanksgiving came and went; I've had plenty of turkey and football. I would have like to see a little more mention of giving thanks to God. Sometimes I think in our society, that's becoming more a taboo word than the one I starred out.

Life goes on

2005-11-18T11:07:00.000-08:00

Last week I was asked a question that made me stop and think. I didn't realize how envious I can be of successful people. It's something I'd like to try to clean up.
My various arrangements for better living arrangments are creeping forward.
I've had a little bit of mail from family, it's nice to hear some news.

With thanksgiving coming up, I'm looking at two generous dinners (right when I'm trying to lose weight!), but I wonder; full belly, empty soul?

Oh, My

2005-11-14T12:30:00.000-08:00

The "Wizard of Oz" was on TV the other night; I didn't see it through to the end, but I did get my favorite scenes. The Munchkin's Coroner, "Not only is she merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead!", The vigorous, "[I'm] off to [be] the wizard!", and the Cowardly Lion, "What puts the hot in Hottentot? What puts the ape in apricot? What have they got that I ain't got? Courage!" I remember that the scene where the Wicked Witch of the West's guards are marching around the gates was scary when I was a very yunster, but now both the chant (Woe--EE--oh. WOE--oh!) and the music give me a smile. "I'm melting!!". So do the rewards that the Wizard gives the Scarecrow, Lion, and Tin Man.

The past week has been a bit on the disappointing side, with a couple of hopes that didn't materialize. This is routine, but when enough of them buikd up, it can send me into a crashing depression. So I'm noticing a slide in that direction; time to see if I've learned how to head it off.

And I think I've managed to clean out most of the comment spam.

That time again

2005-11-08T06:17:00.000-08:00

I heard a snatch of music in a TV commercial this morning which prompted me to check the calendar.
Yep. The jolly old thief in the red suit is coming out to make his annual rounds, with most of the retailers in the country as his cohorts in crime. It's time for the annual American ritual of buying off your conscience for a year of neglect and measuring your love for family, friends, and neighbors in dollars, while racking up a huge credit card balance that will take months to pay for. Bah, humbug indeed.
Now, if there really were an increase in peace on earth and goodwill toward men, and people would give space for the love of God instead of worrying about tinsel and trash and shoving for space at the checkout counter, that would be reason to celebrate. I'm surely not the first to observe that St. Nicholas has turned a bit gluttonous and overfed and is in danger of losing his sainthood. He needs to at least go on a diet.
I see that comment spam is the term I was looking for, and I figured out how to start cleaning it out. So far I'm back to February on this blog.

Blogspam, self-promotion, and writing

2005-11-07T10:11:00.000-08:00

I'm not as experienced with this blogging business as I would like to suppose. I keep it to what I can understand. I've been having some blog-spam; people adding comments that are links to things like cold sore treatments, or worse...one of these days I need to figure out how to go through and clean these out.

Also, someone sent me a comment that I don't see linked to a recent entry. It suggested how I could find a publicist or promoter for my ideas, or failing this, do it myself.

To be frank, this idea of self-promotion a la PT Barnum makes me uncomfortable. It's bold enough for me to put my ideas out on the Internet for the whole world to read and anyone to stumble across, but I would much rather someone else think my ideas worth promoting on their merits than do it myself. I don't want to lose my balance in an overwhelming wave of publicity and popularity/criticism that fades as soon as it comes. I prefer a slower, quieter approach; a few regular readers, some of whom add comments and feedback so I can improve things and make them a little bit better...and much of this applies to what I am trying to do on my Independent Learning blog, anyway. This one is a rather more personal.

For a good while, I've also been participating on an on-line forum and I drop comments there, in response to the discussions. They've started a writer's forum for LDS writers that I've just joined. Also from time to time I look at Meridian Magazine, and saw this article that seems as if it could almost have been written by my ex-wife. The specific details and complaints don't exactly match, but the general tone is so similar that I couldn't let it pass without writing a response. I have no idea whether it will be accepted, but I'll watch for it.

Better now

2005-11-04T15:26:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling better than I was; got over the "bug" and got some proper sleep. It's been a bit of a struggle to get back to my research; I've gotten a little involved with e-mail and some internet discussions. But I do have an update for Independent Learning showing a little progress.

I ran across a quote about Benito Mussolini (Isaac Asimov, "Chronology of World History" p. 543
"He never objected to changing his principles when necessary, for the very good reason that he had none." Ouch. But it occurs to me that that description could fit more than one person.

Happy Halloween! Whee...urgh

2005-10-31T09:46:00.000-08:00

After a huge spurt of game-related activity at first, I'm starting to back down to something more reasonable. I've also been heavily involved in correspondence (I'm verrryyy slow at writing; I tend to edit on the run, and then re-edit and repolish, especially if I am emotionally involved, so that it takes an hour to write what turns out to be a three-line note. Have I discovered an unnamed phenomenon? Writer's constipation? I know people who seem to have verbal diarhhea...running off at the mouth...this is rather the opposite.

I may not be very active physically, but my mind never quits. That can be a problem when it doesn't like to shut down at night (can't sleep at night, can't stay awake during the day). It turns into a roller-coaster cycle: from feeling energetic, full of vim, vigor and vitality, [I'mmm....OFF to be the wizard!!, the wonderful wizard of...] to being exhausted, headachy, and feeling like doggie do. It's compounded when there's emotional stress going on. And it's not a regular cycle: Saturday morning I was in fine form, by Sunday evening I was looking nearly as ghastly as I felt, or so one of my housemates observed. Up and down; I don't manage it too very well, but I *am* slowly learning.

Someone mentioned a site, www.cardiomyopathy.org, which has some discussion of my heart condition, for anyone who has any interest in the details. In my case, the mitral valve is obstructed and vigorous activity does start to interfere with cardiac circulation. How long that's been a problem I don't know, but possibly a long time. What I have seems to be inherited, and when my doctor mentioned this, I told how I'd seem some similarities with my mother..he recommended that I suggest to her that she have an echocardiogram.

But even if I'm not fit to run a marathon and the doctor's don't recommend I start trying to train for one, I'm not in a wheelchair and don't need a walker. I did notice that I've been gaining weight, and at an increasing rate, and after the sixth time someone asked when I was due, I decided that it's time to shed a few pounds. It's really not that hard for me to diet, I find, given that I often get so involved reading, studying, or writing that I forget to eat anyway...

Happy Halloween! Since I'm not going to any costume parties, I don't have to dress up as a wizard disguised as a muggle.

Freedom to surf

2005-10-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

Surf the web, that is. Part of coming out of my shell involves reaching out to the wider world, and the hour or so a day I have on the computer at the public library has been getting onerously restrictive. Enough. I decided I really, really wanted to pay for a borrower's card at the WVU library for a year and get access to that system, which has fewer restrictions, plus, there are other resources and references I can use, and I can even check out books!

A few months ago, Orson Scott Card reviewed Runequest of one of the Massive Multiplayer Role-playing Games (MMRPGs). My brother (one of them) was heavily involved in Everquest for a while; for all I know he still is. I've tried a few others, since I've had a long-standing interest in role-playing and in computers, and yes, they can be addictive. Someone commented that if people devoted the time in these to their real lives that they do to these, they could accomplish a lot more in real life. Well, yes, I agree with that, too, but I've been working on ideas in social economics and justice for long enough, and have developed enough theories that no one cares to discuss with me, that I've been wanting to try them out. So, I skipped over Runequest as not quite what I'm looking for (I'm on an approximately $0 dollar budget and have to use OPCs (Other People's Computers)) and searched for some more. I found Cantr II as fitting better with my philosophy and style. I'm not a hack-em up and accumulate stuff kind of player, and I don't have the reflexes for high-speed, real-time action. I do mean to try out a few of my ideas on how society could and should be in simulated interactions before I go out and inflict them on the real world. And no, I'm not telling which character I'm playing.

And I can't afford to get too addicted; because I do have other commitments and necessities and limits. Just for one, my Independent learning interests are just as important, and hopefully potentially someday more useful. But there is a certain overlap here. Children play in order to learn, and there are all too many grim, serious, sobersided adults who have forgotten how to play.

After about two years, someone has finally taken interest in my dormant Sapience Knowledge Base and taken the trouble to follow the tracks I left for anyone who wanted to learn more about it. (Yes, I'm talking about you, A). I'm enormously pleased.

Percussion concert

2005-10-22T06:20:00.000-07:00

Last night I had the chance to go to a percussion concert at the arts center at WVU. The two numbers I enjoyed the most was a 5-movement piece based on brazilian folklore, and an african drum number. There was also a japanese-style number that got a lot of applause. I wasn't aware of the variety of instruments that can be called percussion, but it was overall an enjoyable piece. The whole concert stirred ideas of collecting music from various periods and cultures of world history. Those kinds of ideas, and others like them, have been settling in the back of my mind for I don't know how long, and every once in a while something gives them a stir. I have plenty of grand dreams, many of which appear to be doomed to remain just that.

I've been trying to maintain the studies I describe on my other blog, in the stubbornly persistent hope that they will lead to something beneficial. I'm seldom bored, there are too many things to do and too little time to do them. But what with the need to wait for this and that, half-an-hour here and an hour there and 20 minutes somewhere else when I can't sit down and concentrate, and with the difficulty I have pulling myself away from something once I do get involved, many things I would like to do, and even a few that I need to, don't always get done.

Big heart

2005-10-19T12:56:00.000-07:00

I was told yesterday by someone that I "have a lot of heart". That tickled my sense of humor, because I had just come from a visit with a cardiologist, who told me that I have "Hypertrophic obstructive cardiomyopathy". In English, the left ventricle of my heart is enlarged and musclebound; there's so much muscle that the blood flow is obstructed. He didn't say what causes it, except that it's probably genetic.

I don't know this condition developed, but I suspect it has something to do with the high blood pressure which I'm getting under control, which is revealing this underlying condition. But over the past few months, it's becoming limiting. And, no, the cardiologist says, this is not a good time for me to start training for a Marathon. I'll be doing well to maintain my normal activity and not turn into a complete vegetable.

Splash and sparkle

2005-10-13T07:13:00.000-07:00

I've been getting some nice compliments the past week or so, which makes me feel rather nice. Is it an abdication of my responsibility for my own life to note that how I am treated makes just as much an impact as my own decisions?

When people criticize or find fault with me, I droop like wilted lettuce. Tell me how gloomy I am, and the gloom deepens. Tell me I'm lazy, and I become too discouraged to get up in the morning. Tell me I'm ugly, and I cease to care how I look or smell.
But...
If it's with praise or encouragement, I preen. I shine. I splash, sparkle, dazzle and throw off sparks of wisdom and wit. If people tell me I'm smart, I become smarter. If they tell me I'm good looking, I try to look better. If they tell me I'm kind, I behave more kindly. I enjoy returning good for good; double and good measure, packed down, heaped together, and running over.

It's as natural as breathing, and slightly less controllable.

Moving forward

2005-10-11T07:42:00.000-07:00

For anyone who might have been concerned, the person who I thought had come in smelling of alcohol is gone. Echoes of rumors suggest that he was removed for cause and not solely because of my report.

I also have it from one who would know that the police cleared me of involvement in the case of the missing computer from the Institute, and I am no longer suspected.

One of the things I've decided to do is start taking more interest in people around me; I like it when people express an interest in me, innocuous things like "where are you from?", but I feel like I'm being intrusive when I ask. I don't usually much care for unsolicited advice, but sometimes I don't mind. So, I'm trying to interact a little bit more. But sometimes it feels awkward, something like an elephant trying to tiptoe through the garden.

One of the things I've picked up studying is the English language; using the Bible as material. (After all, whether one is religious or not, it is the single most important work of Western Civilization, and no one can be considered educated who hasn't at least read it.)
I've also checked out a couple of books from the library; one on exercises for fiction writers; (it seems I have plenty of story seeds, but not much skill at turning them into readable and interesting works; It's a skill I would like to develop), and another on drawing; artistic drawing, that is. Some of my lesser interests have been buried under layers of permafrost. It's part of my rebuilding project to develop some of them.

Quote

2005-10-10T06:19:00.000-07:00

C. J. Cherryh is one of my favorite authors and has a blog whis is one of the few I follow. I'm familiar with the state of concentration she describes here, although I can't say any of my own incidents were quite so amusing.

The depth of concentration this art takes is pretty well manic: I recall when Lynn Abbey was sharing our digs, and we set off a fire alarm by accident---yellow-slickered firemen in full kit were running down our home hallway past Lynn's open door: she was plugging away at her computer, and only eventually did she turn around to give them a glance and ask us, as we appeared to apologize, if there was a problem. No, we said, and she went back to work. That's the kind of concentration I'm talking about.

Getting interesting

2005-10-06T12:55:00.000-07:00

My activities are getting a little bit more hectic. I'm starting to have to cut back on a few such as whole afternoons reading SF&F, because there are other things I want to get accomplished. After working on some writing exercises this week, I find that I have a whole lot of stories stored in my brain waiting for expression. A lot of difficult experiences I've gone through have had time to compost, so to speak. I don't think I'll ever become a great artist; some of what I'm doing is semi-directed doodling. And there are several other "projects" I have in mind. But I'd rather report on what I have managed to accomplish rather than describe intentions. But more good things are starting to happen than I can describe right now.

Clearing rubble

2005-10-04T11:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think my life is like a castle. Part of it is still standing strong, but part of it wasn't well founded in the first place, and through the storms of life and enemy action, it collapsed into rubble. Lately, I've had the feeling that I've about cleared the rubble out of the way and am starting to rebuild. Part of it comes from keeping better track of my priorities; partly because the "weave" of knowledge is incoporating areas I've been putting off for some time. I've been taking a long-delayed look at writing, drawing, and music, and have started including some exercises in these areas.

For the first time in some years, I got through LDS General Conference without being stressed by guilt about what I am or am not doing. There were several talks and music that I especially enjoyed. Elder Holland, on the nature of beauty in young women; Elder Bednar's talk, with it's idea of becoming rather than going to; President Hinkley's talk on forgivess were especially memorable. A couple of the stirring choir numbers gave me goosebumps.

Trouble

2005-10-01T06:55:00.000-07:00

Me and my big mouth. I woke up at wee-thirty in the morning yesterday when one of my roommates came to bed, accompanied by the distinctive aroma of alcohol on the breath. I got up and reported said matter to the staff member on duty. There was one person who overheard me make the report.
The next morning, when I got up, I overheard the person I had mentioned complaining that someone was trying to get him into trouble, and that he doesn't drink. I went to a higher level of staff and made the same report, mentioning that I'm all in favor of the presumption of innocence, but in this case, as far as I'm concerned, it's rather gone, and I could either believe my ears (his protestations that he doesn't drink) or my nose. Also that if said person has a problem and is in denial about it, it's not good for him, the shelter, or anyone else that resides there.

I encountered said person last night. Our conversation went like this (in different words)
"You went ratting to staff, accusing me of coming in drunk. It's a lie."
"I smelled you. Drinking is against the rules."
"I wasn't drunk, I don't drink, I'm allergic to the stuff, and you're just trying to get me into trouble. I've got enough problems and people trying to run me out of here. You should have got me up and gotten some proof, rather than go making false accusations."
"I don't think waking up drunks is such a great idea. I hear tell that some of them get violent."
"What, harmless me? And you pull stuff too, and now you've got no proof. Next time, get it before you go accusing people. And I'm not hearing you apologize."
"I don't think I did anything wrong."
"Next time you think you smell something, wake me up before you go making accusations."
"OK. By the way, nice innocent act, but I've met some con men."
"You calling me a liar?"
"Maybe."

Management

2005-09-29T13:32:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many times I have tried making "to do" lists and losing track of them. My latest version is a pocket-sized spiral notebook, in which I just list things I need, or want to do, especially ones I'm likely to forget.
I have a tendency to treat my "need to do" and "want to do" lists as mutually exclusive, and focus on what I haven't accomplished and get all stressed about it. I'm hoping this latest version works better.

Orc talk

2005-09-28T12:47:00.000-07:00

American English is a dying language. In many circles, it is being replaced by Anglo-Orkish.
This phenomenon was described by the well-known linguist and philologist J.R.R. Tolkein, and discussed in his works, "The Hobbit", and "The Lord of the Rings". He goes to some trouble to discuss orkish language and culture, particularly in Bilbo's passage through the Misty Mountains; Pippin and Merry's captivity, and Frodo and Sam's journey into and through Mordor. There is a further reference in the scouring of the Shire, when the hobbits take note of the "lots of rules and orc-talk", due to an orkish influence brought in by Saruman and his agents.
In the appendix to Lord of the Rings, he mentions that "orkish speech is even more coarse than I have rendered it", but that he does not need to detail it any further, since examples are commonly encountered among the orc-minded.
Very possibly, he could be referring to references to people as rectal orifices, women as female dogs and men as the offspring of such, and the replacement of most english adjectives by a vulgar term for the reproductive act, or a more specific variant referring to a female parent.
I don't like to criticize other people's language: I've confined myself to refusing to speak orkish myself. How resistible is linguistic change?

Invisible design

2005-09-23T09:43:00.000-07:00

Every so often someone observes that I don't seem to be doing anything with my life, that I seem to be drifting aimlessly. No, No, and again NO!! that's not the case.

I do have goals and a purpose that I'm working toward; it's just that my particular goals and purposes and means are unconventional. (Yes, I'm out of step with what people tend to expect of me, and yes I'm marching to a different drummer). I don't care to debate them. For anyone who cares to become more informed on what I'm working toward, check my Sapience Knowledge Base, (inactive pending better access) or my Independent Learning blog (active).

To use an analogy, my mother does crochet. Many a time, I've seen her completely unravel a piece which was well in progress and start over, because she had dropped a stitch or made some mistake early on, and the consequences showed up later.
Same idea. I'm weaving threads of knowledge together according to a pattern of my own design, expecting to produce something that's both beautiful and useful.

Asperger's

2005-09-20T14:15:00.000-07:00

For anyone who knows me, does this ring any bells?

Bod mod

2005-09-19T14:21:00.000-07:00

I have been told that a certain tall, slender blonde woman seen in town lately is actually a man who has had a sex change operation. I saw said person at dinner today, and while the overall appearance and dress was indeed feminine, I looked for and easily detected an Adam's apple, as well as rather masculine facial features.

At least one of us, I think, is seriously confused. And I suspect they create at least as many problems as they are supposed to solve. And 21st century Earth bod mods aren't nearly up to Betan standards. (see Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign").

Recovery

2005-09-17T11:11:00.000-07:00

I had a sore leg Wednesday, but I was back to normal activity by Thursday, though I've been rather taking things easy rather than pushing to accomplish things. Over the last few weeks, I've been involved in a little back-porch theology. I still wind up listening more than I talk.

Flunked

2005-09-14T08:51:00.000-07:00

I don't recall if I mentioned that since the beginning of summer or so, I've been having difficulty breathing after surprisingly moderate exercise: like walking half a block uphill. I mentioned it to the doctor at the health clinic I've been going to. They have a specialist that comes in once a month who took a look and a listen, then scheduled me for some tests: an echocardiogram, a pulmonary (lung) function test, and a cardiac stress test, where they put me on a treadmill while they take an electrocardiogram. I got about halfway through it when my heart started acting up and my blood pressure went down, and I had a rather heavy, lead feeling as well as being seriously short of breath. Almost before I knew it, they had me on a gurney, were sticking an IV in me to bring my blood pressure back up, and were asking for consent to do more tests. One of them, I'm still not sure what was called, but involved sticking a catheter up the artery in my leg and taking X-ray pictures. Then they kept me overnight to do another test the next day.
After being asked the same questions by three different doctors, spending a night being hooked up to a heart monitor that I don't think anyone more than glanced at and an IV in each elbow, and a thick pressure bandage next to my crotch, and trying to make up jokes, a whole troop of doctors came in the next morning. I listened to the conference they were having outside the door and only understood about half of it. Then about five or six of them came in; the senior cardiologist explained what they had found rapidly in words of at least 4 syllables and a thick accent, said that the medications I've been on wear about right and there was a procedure but it wasn't done here and since I don't have insurance, probably couldn't afford anyway. Then he demonstrated a simple test that the young good-looking woman doctor had done wrong the day before. No one else said a word, and they all trooped out.
Later that day, two more doctors came in to practice their test (which involved pretending I was trying to have a bowel movement and then squeezing two fingers as hard as I could while they listened to my heart through a stethoscope (I still have no idea what that's supposed to tell them), and then they had me down for another tests.
This one involved being made to swallow a tube almost the size of a garden hose which they wriggled around taking an echocardigram from the inside. After recovering from that for a while (I think they did everything except cut me open to take a look!) a doctor came up to tell me the results, which were that there was really nothing wrong except that the left side of my heart is overdeveloped, which I already knew, and I might be just out of shape. Excuse me?
What seems to be clear is that the left side (which pumps blood to the body) is overdeveloped. The technician who did the test on my lungs earlier commented on the low numbers he was getting. Taken together, these results suggest that when I exercise, the overdeveloped left side is interfering with the right side, which pumps blood to the lungs. Since these don't have much capacity to spare anyway, I don't get enough oxygen in my blood, and everything, including the heart itself, gets tired too easily. But a lot of this is supposition on my part.

Same

2005-09-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

Not much is going on right now except that I'm keeping up with my various studies.